Have you ever thought about what will happen to Benedict Cumberbatch when he's 80? Or J-Lo, who totally retweeted you when you announced you were about to see Hustlers? Or that figure-skater gold medalist guy who you have a totally healthy obsession with and aren't stalking at all?
That's where the new Parasocial Security Administration (PSA) comes in. Sure, we all know it's important to save money for, like, food and stuff. But what about your favorite high-profile celebrities, who you have an undeniable connection with even though you've never actually met or communicated with them? Instead of throwing your funds away on selfish pursuits, this new program ensures your precious headcanon stays intact, so you can continue to imagine the vital role you play in Beyonce's life as she ages (but doesn't look it!).
Parasocial Security is similar to regular Social Security in that it is both an extremely important resource and something you will resolutely not give a shit about for the first half of your life. But unlike that boring old pile of money that may or may not exist, PSA can be earmarked for specific uses. Why selfishly carve chunks out of your paycheck for your own well-being, when you could ensure Tom Hiddleston has a cozy handmade cardigan waiting for him on his 70th birthday? The celebrities you swear are your best friends and totally watch your vlog series are counting on you!
Even if you're already old and fat yourself, it's not too late to set up your PSA account. It's fun, easy, and perfectly healthy. Follow these steps:
- Get a full-time job with benefits.
- Submit a list of your most frequently viewed famous people on Instagram to the HR department.
- Explain in a series of follow-up emails that yes, this is serious.
- Complete the itemized checklist of things you wish to dedicate your PSA towards. Jacuzzi maintenance for Lil Durk? Zendaya's Audible subscription? Maybe a scenic lake house for Julia Stiles? The opportunities are terrifyingly endless.
- If the options above gave you choice paralysis, don't worry: simply click on the “unmarked envelope of cash” option and your celeb of choice will receive your contribution in bills. They will never tell anyone about it but you'll know it's changed them by the way they shift their eyes during pauses in their press junket interviews.
- It wouldn't be Parasocial Security without your very own Parasocial Security Number! This unique 7-digit code will be custom-made to reflect your very totally real relationship with Shawn Mendes or whoever. You will receive this number a single time on an easily misplaced card and the moment you tell anyone about it the card will dissolve slowly like your best friend Tom Holland in Infinity War.
Best of all, there's a share option included with every option, so you can tell all your friends how happy the cast of Yellowjackets will be in the luxury retirement condo you've already commissioned for them. Our state-of-the-art, deep-fake predictive imaging can even show you an elderly Sophie Thatcher playing shuffleboard or a graying but dignified Christina Ricci on the set of her viral life insurance commercial.
Thousands of famous people today are wondering what their future will hold and whether they'll be forced to travel Economy. It's up to each of us to take that uncertainty away. Sign up today, because what else are these celebrities going to do: have one-sided relationships with themselves?