Humor writing published daily. Featured: Best of Year | Editors’ Picks | People’s Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
This is my way of telling you at home, bald and not camera ready, that your safety means more to me than my hair.
I don’t want you to fight for me. Believe me, a disproportionate amount of effort will be needed to capture me. I need you to know that I am not worth it.
We simply want to take our committed relationship and invite in the chaotic meaninglessness of a vast and expanding universe.
Forward to 10 coworkers to lay them off for us, or get 9 years bad luck in your job search. 👋🍑
Try to get to the airport a few days early if traveling during the summer flying season.
I'll be honest, I expected to hate you. I thought our relationship would be filled with searing pain, occasional blood, and lots of tears.
Our universe needs a leader who will fight for you, and I am confident I will be that leader.
The average American couldn’t even locate their core, even if it was part of their own body, which it most definitely is.
The man drains my battery from the second he wakes up to the second he falls asleep, leaving only a few hours for me to charge overnight.
The whole restaurant glares as you fling your body away from the table like you’re protecting the commander-in-chief.
The 2-Month Regression: Your baby is developing so fast! Too fast, actually.
I am not entirely sure why I was so confident that this February would have an extra day.