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If you are offered a chance to suckle at the teat of the eldest Keebler elf, I pray you heed my warning.
The clients’ voicemails were mistakenly deleted, as the functions of the different button thingies had been forgotten.
I love how the natural light comes through the house. It gives whoever wants to break in a little sneak peek of what they’re missing you know?
A Ponzian Slip: This is when you misspeak because you are thinking more about swindling the person than the substance of the conversation.
Why do I have a safety deposit box at Epcot full of cash, character location maps, and over one hundred trading pins?
I clench my butt cheeks tightly and strut past an elderly couple, pulling on the front of a cart, sweeping it alongside my body.
Tries to order hummus at every restaurant on the lunch rotation and when told they don’t have it, indignantly asks, “why not?”
I knew the moment Brad's Gucci loafer crossed the threshold of the antique store, that my time had run out.
Not only are my kitchen cabinets sticky and brown, but they contain condos for giant cockroaches who never pay HOA dues.
The song’s not even that long. Like 25 lines tops. This shouldn’t be that hard. Why is it so hard?
I’m here to tell you that for your upcoming, serious, life-threatening gallbladder removal surgery, you’re on your own, kiddo.
The lack of children being born is not due to Millennials having less sex, but rather the funky little houseplants known as spider plants.