Hello… this is unexpected. Yes, climb right in. It’s easier than it looks, amiright? So, welcome to my house that is mine. Allow me to close that door behind you because only I—the owner of this house—know how to lock it.

Where should we start? I’ve only been here for about two da– two years! Yes, I’ve been situated in this lovely home for about two years now. Over to your right is a row of preposterously wide windows that are very much glass and very much see-through. I love how the natural light comes through the house. It gives whoever wants to break in a little sneak peek of what they’re missing you know? Joking! With this size, they can do much more than sneak a peek.

This is the living room. There’s my TV stand with no TV on it—for artistic purposes, of course. It’s a satirical piece about the digital age, how people are so consumed by technology that they overlook certain things like a half-open window just wide enough for a five-foot-tall man with a toolkit to slide through.

Anyway, to your left is this cream-colored antique Berkshire couch. Why is it standing vertically? It’s a creative statement, not because I’m about to move it out or anything. That would be silly, I literally moved in two months ago!

Sorry what? Two years– Oh yes! I meant two years. I apologize for being a little distracted as I show you this beautiful house that I personally designed.

Alright, moving on. To your left is the bar. The shelves are empty right now because  I threw this huge party last night and all my big-shot celebrity friends just wandered right in and took all my liquor! Damn you, you famous bastards! Between you and me, I think some of them may be alcoholics.

Along this hallway, you’ll see framed photos of all my greatest accomplishments: there’s my editorial piece on the racial divide in America, my high school diploma, and my birth certificate. Watch out! Don’t step on that crow bar over there. Guess I forgot to put away my tools for…sculpting.

At the end here is the kitchen. Now when I broke– Excuse me, moved in here, this is the room that made me think: this is the one I want to  ro– novate. Ronovate. I hand-picked these navy blue cabinets and this marble countertop, which is surprisingly hard to take off. Not that I want to take it off, but I’m just saying if someone were to take it off, it would take lots of unnecessary and, frankly, ridiculous work. Over here, I have my vintage faucets that were hand-crafted by Ronald Reagan. They’ve got a nice sheen to them… could probably break ’em apart, sell for about a couple hundred grand. But hey! What do I know.

Finally, the backyard. Opposite of my U-shaped pool we’ll see– Oh look at the time. Let’s head out the other side– People? I don’t see any guys moving out a vintage lawn chair with a patch quilt. Come on, I appreciate the jokes but this one just doesn’t make any sense. Let’s go out the back door, not because there’s a moving truck at the front door or anything, you just haven’t seen the back yet.

Thank you for coming, Vogel. A guy wheeling out a TV set behind me? Wow, you really should get those eyes checked. By the way, there’s technically no “road” back here so you wanna hike down this really steep hill, crawl through the weird, human-shaped hole in those thick vines and you should be able to get out of this estate. Bye bye now!