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Bath time shall last a minimum of three hours or until I’ve shriveled to one-half my natural size. ABSOLUTELY NO HAIR WASHING.
The criminals must have also found it easy to sneak around me, due to the rug, and fireplace, and radio.
I’ve seen more get-togethers than Uncle Harold, may he rest in peace. He sat his ample frame on me dozens of times. His bum was one of the good ones.
Apple pie is still on! Flour is in high demand and low availability, so we will have to make do with some sort of potato-based crust.
While I'm technically "the boss," I don't want that detail to deter you from asking me lots of questions about my rejuvenating three-week sojourn.
Uncle Roger and cousin Lucy disagree about whether: A. JFK Jr. came back to life and is living in cousin Lucy’s shed. B. The war on Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.
High school locker combination [-1.2 MB] I deleted my entire high school experience in 2016. Missed this somehow. Move to trash.
My boss said guests don’t want to see “gray smudges” while enjoying their complimentary light breakfast. I said they would once they read the essay I left by the bagel station.
Conspiracy Theorist Uncle: You’re the King of “doing your own research,” so you don’t have time to throw the ball around with your nephews.
In the end, he adjusted the parameters of the trick from predicting the exact card suit and number to simply foretelling its color.
You’re such a hypocrite, standing by your skinny jeans but not me! How have you been in therapy this long and still care what the mean girls are saying?
First off, I didn’t know anybody was watching. And never in a million years would I have guessed that the penalty would be the loss of one hundred points for our team.