You may not know their birthdays, and you definitely don’t remember when they started calling you by your first name, but you love your nieces and nephews. With the holidays just around the corner, it’s important to decide what type of uncle you’ll be at this year’s festivities.
Whether you’re ruining Thanksgiving by giving little Clark a turkey baster full of whiskey, or saving Christmas by doing the same, it’s time to put on those pants that you swear used to fit, iron your third favorite printed button-up, and commit to a persona guaranteed to have your family sighing every time you make a toast.
While everyone else settled into a lifestyle of home-buying, career advancement, and having medical insurance, you took a different route. You spent the last ten years getting into shape. You had some free time, so you filled it with weighted sit-ups, and Bulgarian split squats, full burpees, and death curls. You didn’t slip for a second and now you’re coming to dinner cut up like the fourth grade Valentine your niece just has to show you. You may not have a 401k, but you have slept with 401k women 12 years younger than you. Grab Sabrina and a tub of Pure Protein to make this dinner with the family, one they won’t forget.
Conspiracy Theorist Uncle
The Truth? You couldn’t handle the truth. Also, what even is “truth”? Not what they’re teaching kids on Paw Patrol that’s for damn sure. You’re the King of “doing your own research,” so you don’t have time to throw the ball around with your nephews. “The Incans invented Football to act as a modern-day colosseum, stay woke SHEEPLE!” you tipsily interject, disturbing your family’s post-dinner nap so the government can’t infiltrate their dreams to implant them with fluoride microchips and BlueApron ads.
You love reading but hate everything that’s ever been written. Psyop this, Project Mockingbird that, you may not be able to cite the source of the exact study, but you memorized every other fact and figure, they just have to trust you. It’s all real and it’s all true. Except for the news, which is all fake and all lies. You’ll slip the kids notecards with the website theyarealllizardppl.UK on it, so they don’t get fooled into thinking Queen Elizabeth is a real person like their parents did.
Short for Funko Pop Uncle. You have a lot of figurines and a lot of poorly spent disposable income. You’re into nerd culture in a big way and you can’t wait to finally talk to (corner at dinner) someone who gets it: your niece and nephews.
Adults care about dumb stuff like bills and companionship but not you guys. Marvel versus DC! Pixar versus Dreamworks! Staying Alive versus you know… the other thing! Either way, you are more than ready for a heated debate about which Sith Lord you'd most likely be and which Jedi you'd most likely be with. (It's Kylo Ren. It was always Kylo.) Your family is going to be blown away and oddly concerned by how hip you still are. You know all the trending TikTok dances and all the new lingo, bruh. Streetwear is your new “formal” and 37 is your new almost 30. You’re practically like a peer to them. Just an older, more salt and peppery, much lonelier peer.
You’re the most reclusive and elusive of the Uncles. You’re rarely seen but often photographed, mostly mugshots. Seen in the background of every wedding photo, but never at the table for Christmas dinner, you are quick to offer a fantastical tale of daring feats, tropical lands, and that rat bastard that got you kicked out of Atlantic City. Adventure Uncle doesn’t so much as travel through life as he does coast from port to port swashbuckling and swilling rum like Sinbad. Every tattoo is a victory had, every scar is a feat to be bested, and every DUI is a hidden, court-mandated opportunity to become more familiar with the public transit system.
No matter what type of Uncle you choose to be this holiday season, remember any choice is better than Holiday Strip Club Uncle.