Humor writing published daily. Featured: Best of Year | Editors’ Picks | People’s Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
I always misplace the Post-it where you jotted down my password, leading me to wildly click around until something happens.
A demon with the head of a hamburger and the sash of an alderman materialized in my backseat. Flaps of hormone-infused beef formed his accursed lips.
The heat and the rain resulted in this season’s leaf color being a shade more subdued than in past years. But God, you’d think we killed Santa Claus.
Going forward, we’ll tap into the pre-made horror of adolescence. A time the healthiest among you have repressed.
Are you familiar with the phrase, “Living your best life?” Do you think that’s what is going on in here?
I’m 89 years old and I’ve literally never seen Heimlich's Maneuver happen, and I’ve eaten at hundreds of sloppy lobster restaurants.
What did any silverfish ever do to you? We’re barely able to stop ourselves from disintegrating into dust.
Everyone in the house could be pissing at the exact same time, which is something you could do if you wanted.
When Tom first started playing, there were no 5th downs or 100-yard field goals. And every game took place on Earth, where gravity was a huge factor.
We realize it’s atypical to ban someone who hasn’t violated our Terms of Service, we strongly believe that your personality and general vibe justify an exception.
"This is gonna be huge," I whispered to myself, flattening the various cold cuts dangling from my body.
That’s right, the book's value at auction is thirty dollars without the Babadook.