Welcome to your new home! This recently refurbished historic Queen Anne-style home in the very desirable neighborhood of Runningwater, NJ is an entertainer’s dream, thanks to the modern touches by architect Carol Poss. The house boasts three bedrooms and a jaw-dropping number of toilets. The architect “really had to pee” when she was renovating the home and admired its “great bones” and “potential for toilets.”
You’ll never have to tell guests “bathroom’s busy!” again. Everyone in the house could be pissing at the exact same time, which is something you could do if you wanted.
Welcome guests into the classic dining room which features original crown molding. There is also a toilet in the corner of the room. The architect had a full tank, piss-wise which meant toilets were on her mind throughout the revamping.
Relax after dinner around the stunning ornamental chimney with a 21st-century twist. It isn’t functional, but it is a toilet.
Newly renovated kitchen comes with top-of-the-line Viking appliances and another secret toilet underneath the marble island. Perfect for those times when you’re making dinner and you need to toilet.
Venture upstairs via the trellis-patterned carpeted staircase with brass stair rods to the spacious second floor of the home. There is a toilet at the top of the stairs. According to the architect, it’s “a lifesaver if you’re so full of pee your eyes are turning yellow. That exact situation happened to me. That’s why I’m bringing it up.”
Two of the three bathrooms in the home are half baths. They are both on the second floor. One contains a toilet and sink. The other contains a toilet and a toilet.
The luxurious master bedroom has an en-suite, with a deep tub and separate standing shower. There are no toilets in this room. “Hey, I can see your notes for the listing,” the architect yelled. “Technically there’s a toilet in here since there’s one in the master bedroom, so this room is more of a long hallway.”
Thrill-seekers will love the waterslide that leads from the first floor to the basement of the home. “Just in case,” the architect said, without breaking eye contact with me. Buyer beware: make sure you use the bathroom before you party on the water slide. It took her need to “piddle” from a “five and dialed it up to a one hundred. And that’s on a scale from one to ten. I broke my own scale, that’s how badly I had to go.”
Completely finished basement with many unique touches, including a gym toilet. What makes a gym toilet different from a regular toilet? Absolutely nothing.
This historic home has updated electricity. Instead of updating the knob-and-tube wiring in the home to a plastic-sheath wiring system, it is completely replaced with toilets. “At this point in the renovation process my need to piss was getting to emergency levels,” Ms. Poss said. When asked if the electricity works, since there are thousands of toilets between her walls, she said, “it’s just a bunch of toilets, what do you think?”
For DIY enthusiasts, the attic is still unfinished and can be made into whatever the buyer desires! At the insistence of the architect, I must now write that she strongly suggests that the buyers, “dump a toilet or two up there. Make sure you include that in the listing.”
The renovations don’t stop there, the buyer could improve on any aspect of the home. The parlor was demolished because it couldn’t fit a toilet. At great expense to the architect, it was completely “removed from the house.”
Upon returning back downstairs, you’ll find even more toilets. The kitchen cupboard? Made of toilets. Dishwasher? Not a dishwasher, a toilet. Antique mirror in the hallway? Actually a mirror. The rug? Toilet. The floor? Toilet. The ceiling? Toilet. The architect? A toilet all along. Toilets as far as the eye could see.
Look, I’ve been trying to sell this house for a while. Just please buy this house I beg you, before I turn into a toilet.
Parking not included.