My brain’s storage is full. No wonder I couldn’t remember whatshisname’s name the other day, that famous actor guy—Ken, or Lou, or Muumuu, or something. I’m gonna have to clear out my brain’s hard drive, so I can jog the damn thing loose. It’s driving me crazy!

High school locker combination [-1.2 MB]
I deleted my entire high school experience in 2016. Missed this somehow. Move to trash.

Call 800-588-2300 Em-pire! jingle [-183.1 MB]
Do I really need to waste so much mental space on a carpet store? Jeez, the brain only has like a million gigabytes of storage, which is practically nothing. Delete.

Clown trivia [-467 MB]
Did you know that “clown” comes from the Icelandic word “klunni,” which means clumsy person? Well, now I don’t either!

Whatshisname—guy with long dark hair and a trim beard [+13.2 MB]
Hey, newly freed up space made me remember something. Whatshisname was in that movie The Mattress, where he has to choose between a blue and red pill. Seriously, what’s his name? Damn! Looks like I’m gonna have to start deleting the real RAM hogs. Painful memories seem to take up way more space than good ones.

40th Birthday [-1.8 GB]
Yeah, this one hit me pretty hard. I turned the big 4-0 last… Jesus, when’s my birthday again? I’m blanking! Oh, wait. I deleted my high school locker combination, which was my date of birth. Duh.

Stuffed giraffe being ripped out of my arms [-22.6 GB]
When I was six, my parents guilted me into donating Mr. Squishy to an underprivileged family. I don’t want to be bitter anymore.

Caroline walking out of our apartment for the last time [-133.9 GB]
It’s been two years, but the pain still seems fresh. She said I was a “crying on the inside clown,” then dumped me for a local TV weatherman. I’m dumping this memory.

Whatshisname dodging bullets in slow motion [+16 MB]
I can sense my brain function speeding up! His name is right on the tip of my tongue! It sounds like a type of boat. Steve Skiff? Yacht Blumberg? Boston Whaler? Grrrrrrrr…

Caroline laughing at the weatherman’s corny jokes on the six o’clock news [-1250.1 GB]
In hindsight, I should have known something was up. Caroline was always turning on the news to watch the weather forecast. I’m tortured by the memory of her spitting wine out of her mouth when the weatherman told this joke: What does a cloud wear under his pants? Thunderwear. Gone!

Complete Sopranos memory collection [-1400 GB]
I was despondent when The Sopranos ended. I entered a long, dark period when I couldn’t find a new show. But guess what? Now I can watch it for the first time again!

Standing in the rain begging Caroline not to leave me [-7539.2 GB]
The weatherman forecasted “bright, sunny skies.” My new Cole Haan suede loafers were ruined. Definitely the lowest point of my life.

Call 800-588-2300 Em-pire! jingle [-183.1 MB]
How the hell did this get back in here? Delete! Delete! Delete! Empty trash!

Getting booted out of clown college [-180091.6 GB]
Actually, this is the lowest point in my life. I had a midlife crisis and enrolled in the Clown Conservatory. Never could get the hang of those enormous sneakers. I kept tripping and falling on my big red nose, but nobody laughed. Still, I learned how to make a balloon giraffe, so that was cool.

Balloon giraffe popping in my arms [-5745048.2 GB]
Dear God, this is even lower! Why does everyone I care about leave me? Why does love have to hurt so much?

Canoe Reeves [+25.8 MB]
Hey, finally remembered!


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