To my dear family,

Your father and I are excited to once again be hosting you all for Thanksgiving! I would be remiss not to tell you that I have run into a number of issues in procuring certain holiday staples this year. Just a few notes on the menu:

I’M MAKING MASHED POTATOES THIS YEAR! — Great news, not all Thanksgiving traditions are at risk! Mashed potatoes will be on the menu. God bless America.

APPLE PIE IS ALSO STILL ON! — This country of ours hasn’t gone so far down the tubes that we can’t enjoy a warm apple pie on Thanksgiving! Of course, flour is in high demand and low availability, so we will have to make do with some sort of potato-based crust.

WE HAVE SCRAPED TOGETHER A SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE! — We DO have a sweet potato. Just when I thought all hope was lost, I found the little guy in a dark corner of the pantry. While it’s not enough for a large casserole, I am confident we can stretch it with ten regular potatoes. Marshmallows were completely sold out but fortunately, I was able to get some extra potatoes as a last-minute substitution.

THE TURKEY SITUATION — Turkeys apparently cost $300 this year. I can barely afford my meds as it is so, as hard a pill as it may be to swallow, we are going to try something new. This year, we won’t be having dark meat and instead of white meat, I’m serving white potatoes.

YOU MAY WONDER: IS THERE STUFFING? — Do you know some people call it “dressing?” It’s a Potato vs. Potahto kind of thing I suppose! We will be having potatoes (potahtoes?) instead of stuffing.

GREEN BEANS: CANNED OR FRESH? — What do you all prefer? Actually, don’t answer that because there’s a decent likelihood we are going to sub the beans for something else. Not 100% sure what yet, but it will 99.99% be potatoes.

CREAMED PEARL ONIONS WILL BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT — So good right? I thought this year I’d tap into my creative juices. Maybe all that Ina and Martha I’ve been watching during quarantine will finally pay off! I may try riffing on the recipe a bit. Call me crazy but I’m toying with the idea of replacing the cream reduction with some sort of potato and the onions with some sort of potato.

GRAVY — Since we are not able to do a traditional turkey Thanksgiving this year, I am thinking I’ll experiment with a potato-based juice. Or maybe something that’s like a viscous demi-glace but with potatoes instead of all other ingredients. If I’m right, it’s going to go really nicely with the potatoes.

PUMPKIN PIE — Potato pie.

PECAN PIE — Potato pie.

CHERRY PIE — Tuber pie. Tubers are potatoes.

I’M SURE YOU ARE EXPECTING ICE CREAM — I’ll likely make ice potato, potato cream, or cold potato icy thing with potatoes. There is no chocolate sauce this year.

CRANBERRY SAUCE — There was actually plenty of this at the shop. I know it’s not popular but it’s tradition. Walmart was out of serving dishes so I’ll just fashion something out of eleven potatoes.

All in all, I think we will have a great holiday together provided you can afford to come (gas prices, right?!?) It’s worth mentioning that the local Stop and Shop was completely out of potatoes so I’m hoping one of you can come early with a few dozen sacks. Later taters!