Passover is a time to remember the struggles of the past and how they continue to impact our lives today. Unfortunately, your child doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices you or your ancestors have made, so we’ve made this Haggadah for them.

Kadesh — First Cup of Wine

Throughout the Seder, four cups of wine will represent the freedoms God gave to our people.

We also acknowledge that if we drank for every freedom our parents gave to us, we would be plastered by the end of the meal.

Before we drink, we recite together:

We praise thee, o mother, matriarch of the family, who let us take those dangerous Karate lessons at that dingy little gym behind the Target. We also thank God for the wine.

Urchatz — Handwashing Without a Blessing

We wash our hands to remind ourselves of the dirt and sand on the hands of our ancestors who slaved away in Egypt. Sure, go and dry your hands on those towels that your great aunt smuggled out of Poland, I’m sure she won’t mind.

Karpas — Eating the Green Vegetable

Is this the first vegetable you’ve had all month? We raised you better than to eat all that junk food. We cooked for you every night, and this is how you live?

Yachatz — Breaking the Matzah

We now break the middle piece of matzah and hide half of it as the Afikomen. Go ahead, break it, just like you broke my heart when you moved away to pursue this focacta dream of being a writer.

Maggid — Telling the Story

The Four Questions

On all other nights, we eat leavened bread, why, on this night, do we eat matzah? I mean, we are lucky to eat bread at all, because when great uncle Shmuel came to this country with barely a dime, he ate nothing so he could afford to live here. But go ahead, complain about not being able to eat your croissants.

On all other nights, we eat vegetables. Why on this night do we eat bitter herbs? And not even real bitter herbs, you couldn’t be bothered to go to the good supermarket. Instead, you had to go around the corner and get this horseradish mustard. What even is that?

On all other nights, we don’t even dip once, why on this night do we dip twice? Why not three times? Four? You just can’t get enough, can you? I didn’t hear one “thank you mom and dad” in there.

On all other nights, we sit upright. Why on this night do we recline? Why can’t I just get one decent pillow for this thing on my back? that I’m going to see Dr. Goldfarb about on Monday?

The Four Children

The Haggadah tells of four children, the wise one, the wicked one, the simple one, and the one who does not know how to ask. I bet even the wicked one remembered to call his parents every weekend. So, what does that make you?

The Story

The Passover story is basically, someone oppressed us, and we triumphed despite the odds. Yadda yadda yadda, just like every other holiday. But it’s something you seem to have forgotten, so let’s review what God does to people who forget.

The Ten Plagues

Are any as bad as a son who doesn’t even love his mother anymore? I may as well have forgotten to put the blood on my door. Oh, you do love me? Then how come you’re still dating that shiksa?

Now we drink the second cup of wine. Not so fast, you’re going to get heartburn. Here, have a Pepsid.

Rachtzah — Hand Washing with Blessing

You can thank God all you want for washing your hands, but if you don’t wash them you’ve got me to deal with. That sort of thing did not pass in my house when I was growing up, your grandmother would be rolling over in her grave.

Motzi Matzah — Blessing over the Matzah

We recite this blessing before we eat the Matzah. We turn to the Hebrew blessing. Forgot the words have you? Go ahead, just read the English. I’m sure it’s the same.

Maror — Eating the Bitter Herb

We remember the bitter suffering of our ancestors in Egypt when we eat this herb. Try it, maybe then you’ll finally remember to thank me for all that I’ve sacrificed for you.

Korech — Hillel’s Sandwich

We now eat a sandwich, made of the Matzah of Freedom, the Maror of suffering, and the Charoset of hope.

You couldn’t even be bothered to use your grandmother’s recipe for the Charoset? Are these the leftover apples from Rosh Hashana in that cheap wine you keep buying?

Shulchan Orech — Eating the Meal

Go ahead, stuff your face, forget everything that we just said, it’s not like it’s important or anything.

Tzafun — Eating the Afikomen (Finding it First)

Why don’t you go send your kids to find the Afikomen? Thank God your sister had little Rebecca, I thought I would die grandchild-less. I know Jews don’t have a hell, but that would’ve been it.

Barech — Blessing after Eating (3rd cup) (Door Opened for Elijah)

As the dinner concludes, we pour a cup of wine for Elijah and open the door. But Elijah won’t even want to visit, God knows that you haven’t been to synagogue since your Bar Mitzvah.

So drink his cup as your third cup. It’s a nice bottle of wine, I don’t want it to go to waste.

Hallel — Songs of Praise (4th cup)

Do you know any Hebrew songs other than the alphabet? That’s what I thought. We could sing Diyanu, but whatever you’ve done for me, it hasn’t been enough. So let’s just hope it’s enough for God.

And you’re drunk already? What would your grandfather think of this? That thought ever cross your mind?

Nirtzah — Conclusion

As the Seder concludes, look to the future.

Together we recite:

This year at (your house), next year in (your brother’s house, at least he still goes to temple)!