This movie has everything: Michael Bay explosions, Kate Beckinsale’s enviable lip color, Cuba Gooding Jr. still riding his post-Jerry Maguire wave, and a lackluster performance from but-his-acting Josh Hartnett. I got fidgety around hour two. Full theater on opening weekend be damned. I made out. For America.
This is peak Russell Crowe; the movie that got him in such good shape so later he could throw all those phones at hospitality workers. There’s a lot of fighting in this movie, and all the Romans want him dead for some reason? It was so brutal I had to close my eyes. Luckily my boyfriend’s lips were nearby, so it was easier to pass the time during those anxiety-ridden battle-to-the-death scenes. I mean, who pays $12.50 a ticket to see that?
The Perfect Storm
I was expecting another Clooney romp, like in O Brother, Where Art Thou? He’s such a charming guy who likes goofing off with his friends! But in this movie, he’s a fisherman and he and all of his other fisherman buddies die. It’s pretty depressing and really makes you think about life. Anyways, I made out at the end just for a little bit, but I didn’t feel good about it.
Gone in 60 Seconds
I watched until they stole their first car, which was, fittingly, 60 seconds. I got the gist. Commence make-out.
Hey, there’s a collective 80 minutes of silence in this film, and if you close your eyes and listen to the ocean sounds, it’s like you’re transported out of the dark, always-too-cold, rank suburban mall movie theater to a tropical island, so you can’t blame me for sucking face during this. It made me think about running away with my boyfriend so we could just be away from our parents and teachers and just make out under the coconut trees forever. Tom Hanks didn’t have anyone to answer to in that movie. He didn’t have his mom yelling at him to study for the PSATs. Sigh, he really should have just appreciated his circumstances a bit more, I think. Besides, I came up for air a few times during the movie and he was still hanging out with that volleyball, so I don’t think I missed much.
I love me some Leo DiCaprio (like, it’s embarrassing how many times I saw Titanic in theaters…and The Man in the Iron Mask), so I was all ready to get hot and bothered by this blond cutey dressed in mid-century clothes but then he gets all hairy and starts peeing in jars. I let my boyfriend touch my boob a little but that was it.
Sure, my boyfriend wanted to make out during this, but I couldn’t take my eyes off this dazzling spectacle! I don’t know why he wanted to miss a minute of Ewan McGregor singing and dancing to an Elton John song. He just kept shaking his head and muttering, “I can’t believe that’s the guy from Trainspotting.” I gave him one chaste kiss at the end before Nicole Kidman died.
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
First, whoa, a little insensitive to name your movie “The Two Towers” in 2002. Like, this project was in the works for a while and no one thought, “hey, I know it’s the title of the book and all, but maybe we could Hollywood the name up a bit given our recent national tragedy?” Anyways, all they do is walk around and Orlando Bloom sports this weird Fabio hair except it’s not hot even on him and I was so bored I fell asleep during the first half hour.
This is one of those movies you have to “pay attention to” to understand. You’re too busy editing the movie correctly in your head that there’s simply no time to make out. But once you get it, it like, blows your mind, you know?
Total turnoff. And revealed that my boyfriend is kinda racist? Anyways, I broke up with him, and I’m looking for a new movie buddy if you’re interested. I hear Mulholland Drive is wild.