Thank you sooo much for that gift. It really was all I wanted for Christmas. And now I have it. Hey, speaking of, I was wondering—and I know this is super awkward to ask—did you keep the gift receipt?

No, no– I loved it! I really did! And it was hella-thoughtful of you to remember. It's not like it was the most memorable and catchiest holiday wish of the last 25 years or anything. But there's a chance I might not need it anymore. So if you did happen to have that proof of purchase, that would be chill.

Am I the worst? I’m the worst, aren’t I? I was so adamant it was, like, the only thing I wanted for Christmas. I even rejected snow. That’s not even a personal gift! It’s the weather!

You seem upset, so I’m guessing you didn’t think to get the gift receipt. That’s okay. I’m a little surprised you didn’t anticipate my reaction, but I get it. And I’m pretty sure I can still get an exchange if I explain why I’m returning it.

For one, it doesn’t fit. Anyone looking objectively could see this wasn’t a good fit for me. I think I just wanted it so badly that I convinced myself it was flattering and complimentary, when in reality it never flattered or complimented me once. Plus it’s too loud.

Even if it’s just store credit, that’s fine. I’d gladly trade this gift in for something that I’ll get more use out of. Like a set of whiskey stones are you crying?

It’s also way smaller than I realized. Relax, I mean height. I guess gifts always look way bigger on the box, because outside of those Instagram squares, it’s clear it only posted photos alongside people shorter than it was, out of some kind of insecurity.

It's also got a small dick.

Yeah, I'm frustrated too. Shopping for other people is tough!

And I need to check the warranty, because this thing has not worked in months. It'd be fine if it were at least trying to work, but I’ll get home from a day at the studio and discover it hasn’t functioned all day. So I’ll check for updates, but just get confusing answers like it needs “time to recharge” or “to let its screenplay ideas marinate for a few days before putting pen to paper.”

I’m also pretty sure this is an older model than advertised. Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing wrong with older models. I like older models, too! But I also like honesty, and this model is at least 35, even though I was told it was closer to a 29-year-old model.

By the way, you’re not a model. I don’t know why you keep calling yourself one.

I think they’ll take it back. I’ve barely touched it, which is another problem that we don’t need to get into right now. And I’m sure there are plenty of customers who’ll be thrilled it’s available. Not emotionally available, but still.

Hey! Don't get angry at me. Sure, I told you I wanted this, but in my defense, it was 1994. That was, what, 22 years ago? We’re not the same people we were back then. In fact, why did it take you so long to finally get me this gift in the first place? Weren't you even listening to me? Do you ever listen to me? I don’t know. Maybe we should break up.

I think this gift was just what a young, naive girl thought would make her happy. And it did—for a while. But it wasn’t real happiness. It was just a sweet, sweet fantasy– Maybe I’ll write a song about that.