Welcome to your Suite at The Mar-a-Lago Club. In the spirit of ensuring that your stay is as luxurious as feasibly possible,* we're pleased to offer a complimentary selection of spa-quality bath bombs to our guests.
T is for Tax Returns
You've been dodging this since the election, now it's time to make those tax returns work for you! Soak away financial indiscretions in soothing bergamot, tea leaves, and citrus, while mysteriously shredded paper pulp forms a detoxifying skin mask.
You're on the world stage with this ylang-ylang-infused, global citrus sensation. As it fizzes, listen closely for the sound of a long, slow laugh coming from the German delegation (they're laughing with you, we promise).
Big and Tremendously Wet
From the standpoint of water, this one's a real hurricane! Passively let FEMA patch up your issues while you soak in real seaweed, lemon and other citrus oils, and agar strands. (The agar strands represent pollution in our oceans.)**
Been on the green a whole 1/3rd of the year? Give those ill-fitting slacks a break and take a vacation from your vacation from your job where you barely do anything but watch Fox News! Scents of cypress-pine citrus make this an absolute hole-in-one.
Honey I Lost My Press Secretary
Rough week at the office? Staffers leaving left and right? We can relate! Specially formulated with relaxing lavender and chamomile (and citrus), whether you've just been let go or are contemplating a frenzied exit and book deal, this is the perfect bath accent to help you roll on through that news cycle.
Big Hair Ball
With volumizing and comb-over-enhancing properties, don't be afraid to lean back and give that noggin a good soak, allowing our proprietary blend of hair strands to relax themselves onto your head and body. With a combination of salt, cocoa butter, and citrus, your hair has never been this diplomatically discombobulated.
The Keyboard Warrior
Missing the vicissitudes of your neo-fascist media company? Been recently banned from every social media platform in existence? Enjoy the familiar scents of Axe-body-spray-like citrus, a hint of somebody's parents' basement, and deep-rooted male fragility as you’re cradled by gelatinous ooze.
A sparkling peppermint, citrus, patchouli, frankincense, and sandalwood bath treat breaks into five separate pieces for Ivanka, Donald Jr. Eric, Barron, and the other one. None of the fragrances go together, but that's OK, it's family!
Use the (Space) Force
Lavender, yuzu, and citrus form their own sixth military branch…mission: self-care! Dazzling silver metallics will make you feel like you're at home among the stars. Or staring into an eclipse. That too.
Orange You Great?
Skip the fake tan this week and take a bath instead! Natural citrus notes are complimented by an affirming note from the president at the center.*** Orange residue is normal and fades after a few weeks.
The Art of the Bath
Just add water and this luxury bath confection inflates into a full-size copy of The Art of the Deal. It's flying off the shelves still (or so we hear), so this is a bargain you’ll surely not want to miss! Oh, and did we mention citrus? It’s got citrus.
Bone Spur Relaxer
Not every bath has to be unproductive. This abrasive combination of charcoal, citrus, and skin irritants actually gives you bone spurs, so you can cash in on that sick time, dodge a draft, whatever your frail little heart desires! With citrus.
* Given how things are going, I mean… we're trying.
** We don't care about conservation, but it's a nice touch, huh?
*** It's just him affirming himself, we couldn't get him to write anything else.