Hi! I am thrilled to meet you at this fancy Yelp-sponsored luau for the fifty highest-rated dentists in the Pittsburgh tri-state area. I don’t feel at all like shoving myself inside the six-foot chocolate lava volcano in the corner and waiting it out until everyone goes away.

Why yes, here is my hand, which I will put it in yours because that is a customary thing I feel 100% comfortable doing. I will stare into your eyes and tell you the name my parents gave me 30 years ago that I had no say in. And I will laugh louder than everyone else over the dumb joke you just told about fillings because I am the most confident person in this Hyatt Regency ballroom!

In fact, I am overjoyed to shoot some shit about where you are from and where you went to college. Oh you went to Harvard! I loved working on my classes at Harvard. What school was I in? Funny thing, I actually didn’t technically go to Harvard. I physically snuck on to the campus to work on my associates degree from University of Phoenix. I did eventually transfer to Syracuse, which we all know is the Harvard of the north, and it really worked out for the better.

I see all of you checking your Apple watches, but it doesn’t phase me, confident Carol!

Did you know that Syracuse university has the biggest snow plow? You didn’t? Okay yeah, go ahead and say hi to Gerald of Harold/Feeney Dental Practice!

You know what, I am ecstatic when everyone slowly leaves the conversation. I don’t feel sad and alone, like that time my sorority sisters left me to die on top of a snowbank, when the last dental hygienist talking to me insists he has to go to the bathroom, then stops and talks to someone else. I am happy to scream to no one in particular that I left something in my jacket anyway, that I have to go get it from the coat check, don’t mind me, I will be right back!

I did leave my gum in my coat, and now I’m holding a half-full pack of Doublemint and do you remember how sexual their twin commercials were?

And of course I don’t mind that the circle of people squeezes a little tighter when I approach it, so I can’t quite get in to say anything. But no problem, I yell! Does anyone want a drink from the bar? I know I just left to get mint gum which I am now chewing, but I love the flavor of mint gum and a piña colada! What’s that, I could get a mint julep? That would be crazy! This party is Hawaiian themed!

Sitting at a bar alone chewing mint gum while sipping a fruity drink is the ideal thing for a confident person to do at a party. I’m so confident that this disgusting mix of flavors in my mouth doesn’t break my smile. I’m elated to ask the seventy-year-old dentist next to me where he is from, and he replies he’s eight drinks in and do I want to go have sex with him in the corner? I confidently yell no, I have to go to the bathroom, and that is not an invitation for you to follow me!

Confident people don’t worry what other people think about the amount of time they spend in a bathroom stall. I’ve clocked about thirty minutes in the john and if anyone’s counting they will definitely think I am constipated. But I am so self-assured, it doesn’t matter to me! They’ll never know I’ve spent the time in this four-by-three-foot sanctuary memorizing BuzzFeed’s “Ten Party Tricks To Dazzle Your Dinner Guests”!

After warming up with a few “how now brown cows,” I bust out of the bathroom and break off the tops of two lit tiki torches. I announce to the room that I will juggle them with the bravado of a fire dancer. I throw one into the air to start, but it’s heading fire-side down toward my hands, so I confidently kick the wooden base. It catches the end of a long white table cloth and goes up in flames. The bartender pulls the fire alarm and the sprinklers go off, which was unfortunate because I went commando under this white wrap skirt, like all confident women do, but whatever! I grab a chair and flashdance this shit.

Everyone else just ran out of the room. I wanted to follow them, but then cops and firefighters come in from all sides, and tell me to lower the tiki torch. They are very confident. I mentally note some pointers about staying monotone. I laugh loudly; isn’t this a funny misunderstanding officer, and do you want a piece of doublemint? He did not want one, but he did cuff me and put me in the back of his cop car. I guess I’m going to jail for arson!

That brings me to this holding cell! I see a confident woman in the corner. She’s so confident that she is shaking. I copy her and walk over. She screams that she wants her freedom back, which I don’t have, so I walk away.

But it’s okay; there are 25 other women in this cell with me, so I laugh my loud, confident laugh and ask them about their time at Harvard!

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