I love America. There’s so much about this country that fills me with pride. From the breathtaking Rocky Mountains, to the way that we’re a melting pot of cultures, to the fact that I’ve been absolutely unencumbered in my quest to build an empire of personal wealth off the backs of hard-working poors—God, I could go on! This country is incredible. And that’s why it greatly distresses me to see Donald Trump, a very rich man who is not me, as president. America needs a true visionary—a born leader—to get us out of this mess. So I’m just spitballing here but, what if we elected a different very rich man as president, and what if that man was me?
People are scared right now, and political tensions are arguably higher than ever. Not just anyone is going to be able to heal the wound Donald Trump’s presidency has left on this country. It’s going to be a difficult job for even the most experienced candidate. But thanks to the way that I was born into money, had almost no hardships in my life, and got everything I wanted with minimal effort — I’m convinced that I can wing it. Sure, we got into this mess by electing another rich white businessman with no political experience, but I think this time will be different, because this time it will be me. And if there’s one thing I learned at the Ivy League school I did not have to expend any effort to get into, it’s that wealth and talent are interchangeable, and that by the transitive property, I am extremely talented.
I’m not naive—I know that this election will be all about the issues. Rest assured, I have heard the cries from the people, and I’d like to consider myself extremely in tune with what they want: more centrism. That’s why my campaign will be carefully calculated to revolt both Republicans and Democrats alike. I’ll be weak-handed when it comes to social issues, maybe a meek lil’ “racism is bad!” here and there, and I’ll be absolutely god-awful when it comes to fiscal issues. Unless you’re a billionaire like me—then you’ll probably quite like what I’m doing! Please don’t try to tell me this isn’t what you’re asking for, because I will not listen. In general, I’ll try to steer clear of talking about the issues altogether, and just hope that I can skate by by like, singing Hamilton or talking about Harambe or something.
So, I hope that I can count on your vote. But even if I can’t—I’m gonna be fine! The thing I hear about elections is that they’re much easier when you’re incredibly rich. And for every voter out there who wants to see people of all classes, races, and genders given a “fair chance,” there’s a sucker who will vote against their own self-interest based on a fantasy that they might one day be obscenely rich like me and not want to pay taxes. Just another reason to love this country.