The promise of America, which was never, ever, broken before 2016, has been shattered by Donald Trump. I believe I’m the most qualified leader to beat him in 2020, and that’s a fact. America needs a Democratic nominee who represents the liberalish-centrist views I’ll assume most Americans agree with, because they’re also my views.

But make no mistake: I’m not running yet, and I’m also pretending I might not run at all when really, I’m biding my time because I can afford to. Still, the First Amendment, coupled with my sense of entitlement, entitles me to speak out. As such, I have a few critiques to share on these equally-far-left female Democrats to tarnish your view of them before I deign to join the fray.

Kamala Harris

Kamala Harris wants Medicare For All. Perhaps I will end up adopting that position if it’s politically expedient, but for now I don’t think it is, so I’m certain her plan will bankrupt our nation. Americans may be suffering due to soaring healthcare costs, but my rich friends and I like our concierge medical care, and we’re Americans too. Therefore, Americans like private insurance.

Now, Senator Harris is emerging as the frontrunner. I’ll admit, she’s got a compelling story to tell. I haven’t bothered to research her story, but it must really be good to put her near-ish to me in the polls. However, we cannot win with identity politics alone. Even if she isn’t making this about identity politics at all, I’ll probably use her to talk about identity politics, because I’m just a little racist and sexist, and I need you to hate identity politics so you’ll vote for me “if” I decide to run.

Kristen (??) Gillibrand

Kristen Gillibrand (or is it Kirsten? I can confidently say this confusion is not sexist; her name just doesn’t sound very presidential) curiously shifted from conservative to liberal when her constituency expanded. That sounds an awful lot like flip-flopping to me, which is something I would never do. Even if that’s exactly what I have done, I would still never do it, because my beliefs are nuanced and evolving, whereas hers are downright un-American.

Remember, she led the fight against The Great Liberal Senator, Al Franken. Now, believe me, because I’m telling you to, no one respects #MeToo more than Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate. I respect it so much that I’ll say it’s gone too far, as I might be worried the deeply misogynistic things I’ve said and done will be called into question if this movement doesn’t die, and soon.

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren wants to steal my money and hand it out to y’all, folks. Now, if those were your hard-earned millions, wouldn’t y’all want them taxed fairly, folks? Wouldn’t “fairly” mean just a teensy bit so y’all could claim moral high ground over Republicans while still keeping most of your money, folks? I say “folks” and “y’all” so I’m relatable. I’m especially more relatable than Elizabeth Warren drinking beer (give me a break!), even though I might own a private jet or two.

Now, if Bernie Sanders were to join the race with similar policies, I’d have no objection. But Ms. Warren joined so quickly, one might say she entered the race in a hysterical fit of female Marxist madness. Senator Sanders, on the other hand, is taking his time to carefully pretend to decide if he’s running, just like me, and that’s the only reason I’ll be more critical of her views than of his.

Amy Klobuchar

You’re new, sweetheart; enjoy your moment in the snow. Don’t worry, I’ll have some constructive criticism ready for you soon enough!

Tulsi Gabbard


In all my years of public service that also happened to serve my career, I’ve never seen such division. Maybe it was always there, but I didn’t see it, and if I didn’t see it, did it really exist?

We are at a crossroads, folks. Before I kindly request that my driver, Giles, take me along those roads, I want to ensure I’ve sufficiently tainted your view of these women who had the audacity to run before me, the most qualified white male Democrat ever. I’ll hold out until you’re skeptical enough of them, and then I’ll come in on my great white horse—I named her Buddy, because I’m like you—and Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate will save our nation once more.

And remember, folks: Fuck Howard Schultz. God Bless America.