Hey, it’s me, that sinister mirror image of yourself you’ve seen out of the corner of your eye. How are you doing? I mean, really, is everything okay? Because from what I’ve seen, it looks like you’ve hit a bit of a rough patch. Hey, no judgement. I’d say most people out there aren’t exactly thriving. But I worry. And just because I’m the evil version of you, that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

I remember when you graduated college. The wind was at your back; you were ready to take the world by storm. I was working myself silly trying to follow you around. Now… well, let’s just say it’s not that hard to stalk you when you’re just going from the couch to the fridge.

Sorry, I don’t mean to nag. I’m your shadow-self, not your mother.

I see you’re still looking for a job. Don’t get discouraged. Most start-ups go belly-up in two-four years. That Classic Literature degree is sure to open all sorts of doors. I’d be more than happy to take a look at your resume, maybe make some tweaks. It’s important that you don’t give up, like you did with the Italian lessons… or that novel you were going to write… or the gardening club… or that bookcase you were going to build. Let’s not harp on the past though.

Life is full of peaks and valleys. It’s important to focus on self-care when you find yourself in a valley as prolonged as this one. I noticed that Peloton bike in the corner has been downgraded to laundry rack. I get it, it’s hard to get yourself motivated. Maybe just start by taking a quick walk in the morning, you know, to get the blood flowing. I think it’ll help to get out of the apartment for a while. That Thai takeout smell is starting to get into the furniture.

Hey, how’s that girl you were seeing? Alissa? Haven’t seen her around in a while… Oh. That’s a shame. She seemed really cool. And nice. And a great sense of humor. Hey, would you mind if I gave her a call? I mean, unless you think it would be weird. It’s just, she was super into photography, and I consider myself a bit of a shutterbug. I think we’d hit it off. You know what, forget I said anything.

I really think you should get back out there though. Redownload the apps, make a few creative omissions with your profile, upload some flattering pics. Like that one Alissa took of you at the park (if you look closely, you can see me in the background, creeping behind a tree!)

Look, I know what you’re thinking: it’s the sole purpose of the evil doppelgänger to gradually take over the life of their counterpart, so maybe my motives for getting you back on your feet aren’t exactly pure. But what did you expect? “Evil” is right there in the name. And not to make this about me, but did you ever consider my feelings? I have dreams too. You know how many of my doppelgänger buddies have already assimilated their other selves?

Meanwhile, I’m spending my Saturday night lurking in the bushes outside your apartment while you watch Rick & Morty for seven hours and doze off in the same pair of Cheeto-dust-encrusted sweatpants you’ve been wearing for a month!

…Sorry for the outburst. That was out of line. I’m evil, not inconsiderate.

Look, at the end of the day, we both want the same thing. So what do you say? Let’s dust you off and build you a life that is worth stealing. Hey, there’s a job fair at the convention center this afternoon. I think that’s a great place to start.

I’m not trying to rush you or anything, but Alissa is coming over in a bit and I want to make this place presentable. You know the way out, right?