If you like the sleek simplicity and maddening fragility of our smartphones, you are going to love the all-new Apple Car. The sedan, which we’re currently calling Scottish Fold, is a four-door game changer that will do for cars what the iPhone did for phones: make them much more expensive and easier to break.
We could get into all the engineering about the things that make the car go Vroom Vroom, but we all know you’re here because the car has the Apple logo and looks like a glass robot made love to a Danish coffee table.
Now, look closely above the oversized LED Apple logo on the grille. You might notice there’s something special about the hood. Yes, you guessed it, that hood—and the entire car frame—is made out of Gorilla Glass, the same material you smudge every day and crack every other week on your iPhone screen. The glass frame comes in a wide range of different colors: black and rose gold.
Okay, it’s only two colors, but the range between those colors is so insane that it could only be Apple.
If you’re worried that a car frame made out of “damage-resistant” glass is a problem, just relax. As long as you use the car as we intended, the glass frame will suffice. However, if you plan on exposing the Apple Car to risks like weather elements and auto collisions, that’s a different story.
Since mishaps can happen—thanks entirely to the errors of our users—you may want to add another layer of safety. Ask yourself how many screen replacements you’ve needed for your iPhone. If it’s more than zero, we recommend you get an Apple Car Case.
An add-on item, the Apple Car Case starts at $10,000. If you are low on cash, ask the Genius Bar about our “Apple Organ Donation +” program. Again, the case is only necessary if you plan on being radically irresponsible with your Apple Car. The Apple Car is designed for driving, not crashing—just read the terms and service agreement.
At the most basic end, we sell a plastic case. This case is good if you have a young child who might toss up a volleyball that lightly bounces on the car. If your child is capable of throwing heavier balls, you’ll want the aluminum case. The aluminum case is perfect for minor scrapes with objects and/or humans, but it would fail to protect the glass frame (or anyone inside it) in the event of a run-in with a deer, or repeated taps from a silver spoon.
For our most irresponsible users, we recommend the OtterBox. OtterBox’s carbon steel wrap basically takes away all the visual appeal we were shooting for in the sedan concept, but it’s your car I guess. OtterBox Premium comes with a Shield Protector, or what other car companies refer to as a “windshield.” We wanted to put a windshield in the Apple Car, but it just looked so ugly. The OtterBox Premium with Shield Protector is the only case that both maintains frame integrity in a hail storm and also guarantees passenger survival in accidents occurring at speeds above a jog but below a light sprint (these estimates use the running speed of a Cupertino-based, sedentary, middle-age programmer named Carl).
We’re so proud of the Apple Car. Seriously, it works perfectly fine on its own. It’s an amazing car and you don’t need to purchase anything else. That being said, avoid collisions with non-Apple Cars at all costs. Those accidents tend to require a full car replacement. Interestingly enough, if you crash into another Apple Car, one of the cars will shatter completely while the other will somehow survive without a scratch. Don’t bother asking the safety team about it; they were fired early in the process to make room for more product designers.
If your frame does crack, we’re here to help (depending on your plan). If you have AppleCare, we will replace the damaged section of the glass frame for just $10,000. If you don’t have AppleCare, surely you can understand our confusion as to why we’re supposed to care all the sudden just because it’s convenient for you.
Your audacity aside, we are a merciful company, which is why we offer a retroactive AppleCare for just $20,000 and two weeks of mopping duty at the Apple retail store nearest you. No matter your coverage, you will have to stay in the store for the entirety of the repair (which can take 2-3 days). If you don’t have an Apple Watch, employees will take turns explaining why you need one until you surrender.
Don’t worry, we have cases for those too.