Dear Podcast Producers Investigating my Cold Case Murder,

If you've received this letter from my attorney, then the following three things have happened: I have been murdered, the case is unsolved and has “gone cold”, and your true crime podcast currently ranks in the iTunes top ten.

First of all, thank you! Even just considering my long-unsolved murder for this season of your podcast could provide my friends and loved ones new hope for closure. And with law enforcement (presumably) failing to make progress years or perhaps decades after my death—you probably represent the best chance at solving my case.

Also, a big shout out to my wife Sharon for agreeing to this painful invasion of her privacy. Hopefully your documentary will help her find peace. Unless she did it, which I really doubt. But at this point you probably need to take a hard look at everyone, right? To not do so would be disrespectful to my memory, your listeners, and advertisers.

You probably want to spend at least one episode painting an aural picture of how I was a loving husband and good friend who did nothing to deserve “this,” whatever “this” ends up being. May I suggest you start by interviewing my softball teammate Mike Collins? Not only is (sorry: was) Mike a good friend, but he's also full of anecdotes about me that should really get your listeners engaged.

One idea I had (it's totally up to you, obviously!) would be to interview Mike while he's sitting in the bleachers at Owen Park, where our softball team played. Maybe you could interrupt his quiet reflecting to ask him why anyone would want to kill me. He'd probably get a little choked up and say something like “I have no idea, Doug was the consummate teammate on the field, and a real friend off it.”

Man, that would be an intense “pull the car over” listen!

I imagine you'll need to talk to local law enforcement to figure out why the case facts your production assistant unearthed were never properly investigated. Again, just spitballing, but it may also be worth probing any obviously poor investigation techniques, lost evidence, or weird conflicts of interest within the department.

Now that I think about it, shining a light on an overworked homicide investigation unit using archaic investigation tools may be better suited for a follow-up episode. Maybe even behind the paywall.

After asking the tough questions, you'll no doubt be stonewalled by the current cold case investigator. Again, this is your podcast, but it's probably worth reaching out to the original detective on the case. With any luck, you'll get a grizzled old one who was forced into retirement due to departmental politics but never could quite stop thinking about my case. This would be a great opportunity to validate your suspicions about the main suspect!

Speaking of suspects—one person you definitely want to talk to is Frank Delvecchio, my next door neighbor. For the record, I doubt he'd have it in him to kill me, but he's definitely a jerk who I know purposely cut my sprinkler line, which was maybe 18″ over on his property. Anyway, you should ask him about it. “The Delvecchio Question” would be a really good title for that episode. Fuck that guy and his little yappy dog.

My attorney will attach some photos of me for your website, including one really good one where Mike and I are high-fiving after he pitched a two-hitter. He can also provide you with a copy of the artist's rendering for my memorial plaque (to be placed at Owen Park), instructions for the memorial GoFundMe funds disbursement, and the names and addresses of the married woman with whom I've had affairs.

Sincerely,
Doug Monroe

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.