I’m sorry, you’re accusing me of being presumptuous? Me? If anyone should be accused of being presumptuous, surely it is you, for presuming that I was being presumptuous for bringing my Airsense 10 Autoset CPAP machine this evening.

You must be so embarrassed. Really, just absolutely mortified.

What part of “I have a disease,” did you not understand? Surely, it wasn’t “I” seeing as to how you spent the entire dinner talking about nothing but yourself.

“I feel uncomfortable.”

“I don’t understand why you need to wear it right now.”

“I am happy you took it off, but I really wish you would stop trying to lasso our waiter with it.”

Also, need I remind you, I didn’t try to lasso the waiter with it—I did lasso the waiter with it. And yeah, sure, the first time could have probably been chalked up to luck—but by the seventh time, even you have to admit that was impressive.

Let me ask you a question since you clearly just love talking about yourself. Do you treat all sick people this way? Is that how you were raised? Do you remember when I lassoed that waiter? C’mon, you can admit it—that was pretty cool.

And to answer the only question you thought to ask me throughout the course of the evening; yes, this does “work on other girls,” for your information.

However, if you were the slightest bit informed on even the most elementary of sleep apnea statistics, you would know that men are diagnosed almost eight times more often than women. So technically speaking, would it work? Sure. Statistically speaking? Probably not necessary. Why waste an opportunity to make the conversation about you though, right?

While I have you, let’s just unpack the whole pajama thing. Let’s get it allll out there.

Yes, I was wearing what some may call “pajamas.” No, I was not wearing them because I thought I was going to “get lucky.” Do I look like a guy who has had even the slightest bit of luck in his entire life? It physically pains me to know that this is what things have come to in this world. Whatever happened to people trusting people? To people respecting people? I don’t know, maybe I’m just an old soul that way.

Now, as to why my sleeping blouse had “These Pajamas Are For When I Do It” embroidered across the chest.

“It” could mean quite literally anything. In this case “It” meant going out to dinner with you. “It” also meant lassoing incompetent waiters with my sleep apnea machine. What “It” did not mean, however, was what you thought “It” meant.

And since you are just about the most predictable person I have ever met, I know exactly what you are going to say next—across the butt of my pajama bottoms it said “And By It, I Mean Sex.”

I grabbed the wrong pants. I was in a rush, and grabbed the wrong pants. Simple as that. Not everything needs some sort of in-depth explanation.

And my traditionally-pointed, long-top sleeping cap having “He's Lying About The Pants” stitched across it? Like I tastefully shouted at you in the restaurant, my sleeping cap was lying about me lying about my pants. What is so hard to understand about that?

So, no, I won’t apologize. What I will do, however, is forgive. But I never forget, not anymore at least—now that I am getting a full eight hours thanks to my Airsense 10 Autoset CPAP machine.

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