I’m the dog in this movie. And this movie is about me. But it’s also about… more than me. It’s about love and family and loyalty and Christianity, but don’t say that last part out loud. Really, at the end of the day, this is nothing but a nice wholesome movie for folks who love dogs. Not evangelical or religious, just good old fashioned, heartwarming dog stuff.

Unless you are inquiring on behalf of your church community. In that case, please visit our website for information on group ticket sales and follow-up discussion questions to explore the Christian teachings of my whimsical adventures and soul-shattering death.

Now please, join me on my journey home to serve my purpose while I race in the rain. Not sure you’re a “dog person?” You will be when you see my hijinx. I steal shoes! Can you believe it? Me, a dog, stealing shoes. What will I get up to next? Probably taking on the emotional burdens of my closest human companion and putting myself through harrowing trials, willing to sacrifice it all out of love. A little like… hmm… who am I thinking of? Oh, Jesus Christ.

Heard of him? Me neither, I’m just a dog!

You love dogs now—remember? I once ate that kid’s food off his plate because he thought veggies were gross and I wanted to help him save face at the dinner table. I’m so endearing you can’t help but let me into your heart. Keep some room in there for someone else, too.

Time to let you in on a little secret: I’m the only animal who talks in this movie. I don’t talk to humans. I don’t talk to other dogs. I don’t talk to the cows on the farm or the horses in the field or the bobcat in the woods. I only talk to you. And you know you’re truly hearing the voice of me, a dog, because I don’t know some very basic human words. I say things like “the warm bright thing” instead of fire. I call dog biscuits, “good-doggies.” And once when I saw a mutt who was living on the street, I gave her my good-doggie and said the memorable puppy phrase, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “where do I know this dog’s voice from?” It’s the actor you saw in that movie one time! You don’t recognize their name, but you recognize their face from playing someone other than the protagonist in something. And can you believe the actor they got to play my owner is in this movie? He’s a leading man! In this dog movie! But now that you think of it, what was the last thing you saw him in? Guess it’s been a while. Everyone has to make a paycheck.

And everyone has to answer to the Lord.

Well, friend, we’ve reached the end of the road. I’ve brought my humans together and now they all have a deeper love and understanding for one another, a more noble mission in life, and a keen sense of morality. I know you didn’t expect to be crying right now, but look—you are. That’s how powerful it is to embrace the teachings of a dog.

Now it’s time for me to cross over into the great unknown. Just kidding, we know it’s heaven on the other side and we never want you to forget what it takes to go there. Notice that throughout the movie you haven’t seen any of the teary-eyed humans gathered around me drink or swear or live together out of wedlock or mention pagan customs or identify as gay. That was not a mistake. You now know what it takes to be good and if you ever forget it, you’re going to hell.

Ruff ruff!