Hi, sorry to bother you. My name is Jellia-429, and I live in Pantopia. You know, the place in that movie with Saoirse Ronan, where our entire lives are run by an AI? Yes, The Benevolent Woz, that’s the one. Woz sometimes sets up a portal so we can overhear what you are saying about us, how you pity us and it makes you feel better about your world. Frankly, we’re confused.

For example, you said that you find our political system “terrifying”. I don’t know what the big deal is: Once a year we all put on the electrodes and The Benevolent Woz figures out what makes each of us happy. Then He uses a deep learning algorithm to come up with policies to maximize the total happiness. How awesome that? It looks like you do something called “voting” that involves a lot of waiting in line, and then years later maybe you get some of what you want… To be fair, at least you know your “vote” counts as much as everyone else’s, whereas in our system—

Wait, the electoral what?! Where did that come from? Because of the SLAVES?! Well, alrighty then!

I also overheard you talking about how pathetic it is that I treat an AI like He is my dad. Instead you have an imaginary submissive girlfriend. Siri, I think her name is? Oh, Alexa? And she brings you stuff that you still need to pay for? How is that relationship working out for you? Cool, cool.

Speaking of relationships, our system is pretty rad. The Benevolent Woz analyzes our body chemistry, beliefs, and genitalia to find our ideal mates. If there is a tie, He even analyzes our future in-laws for compatibility. We each have a 99.9% guarantee of getting at least three PACs a week—that’s short for partner-assisted climaxes—and we rarely fight with our in-laws over the Abundant Harvest Day table. What’s that you say, you would rather be lonely and free than be made to mate like a lab rat? How’s your love life, then? Hmm… The Benevolent Woz says we shouldn’t say anything that makes someone else sad. So, yeah.

Some of the criticisms I hear are downright confusing. You say that our society has no privacy, because The Benevolent Woz is all-knowing and all-seeing. You know, this Facebook thing seems to me like a shoddy version of Him…You think this All-Knowing Zuck guy wouldn’t do anything to hurt you? LOL what? What part of “maximize profits” don’t you understand?

Sorry, that was mean. You certainly have better housing than us, at least based on your telescreen shows. In Pantopia a childless adult is only guaranteed a studio apartment, and they’re identical. I’m sure you get something better than that, right? Something that expresses your personality more… oh, you still live with your parents? I figured you were at least a decade past Blossoming Age. Huh.

I came here to clap back at your pity, but now I’m starting to feel sorry for you. There must be something better in your world. Let’s see. In our world, we have no choice about what we study. Starting with The Blossoming, Woz decides our future career and we don’t have a single educational experience that He didn’t choose for us. In your world, you get to pick your major that expresses your personality, then you are free to find a job that lets you use all of that knowledge. Pretty cool!

Wait… are you crying? Woz doesn’t want us to make other people sad, so I better get going. Good luck with everything. I hope you get a PAC this week!