Stop the presses! I just received word that two people I happen to know are not only happily married but also the best of friends.

Yes, this is real life.

It wasn’t a big deal, they just decided to reveal this information on THE DAY HE PROPOSED, PEOPLE.

Imagine my surprise. It was a quiet Wednesday afternoon when I decided to take a break at my data entry job and have a coffee (third cup of the day, don’t judge me haha). I’m casually scrolling through Facebook, politely distributing “likes” to the deserved posts when I come across my two acquaintances from high school who I (mistakenly?) categorized as being a part of the “romantic” timeline. They went on to apologize for not posting in a while and that they would like the world to know that not only have they taken their relationship to the next level via marriage, but they have been sitting on a GOLD MINE OF FRIENDSHIP.

I got the scoop of a lifetime, and I was just enough removed from the situation to be the perfect person to bust this story wide open.

The photo that was posted to commemorate the special moment included the man getting down on one knee on a snowy field in Milwaukee. The woman’s hands were covering her mouth as tears welled up. This was your classic engagement photo. Professionally done. I had already clicked “love” before I was slapped across the face when I read the caption:

“How lucky am I? I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.”

I think I speak for all of us when I say, YOU’RE PRETTY FUCKING LUCKY.

It’s a classic two for one. I mean, let’s break down the benefits:

  • Spending the night with your wife is now HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH YOUR BESTIE.

And that’s just to name a few. Has Guillermo Del Toro bought the rights to this story?!?

I went back to the original post to marvel again in the fusion of love and friendship. How could it be? Either they’re buds or they’re lovers? Who among us has ever tempted to mix the two? Have we not learned from Jerry and Elaine?

I zoomed in on the image and looked at the face of the proposer. He seemed to be laughing a little. I zoomed in closer. Yes, he IS LAUGHING. What’s so funny? Surely not the sacrament of marriage?! I zoomed in on her. She’s laughing too?! She’s crying AND laughing. I feel like some sort of frickin’ robot trying to understand human emotions here!!

Um, I’ll have what THEY’RE having.

I sent a message to the soon-to-be-groom to hear first-hand how this groundbreaking relationship was able to withstand and he replied, “I’m just grateful that this WEIRDO (referring to the soon-to-be-bride) makes my WEIRD life even WEIRDER.”

No, my friend, WE are the grateful ones.

I went to the wedding. It was beautiful, but fun? Imagine two best friends were in charge of putting together a fancy party haha. I know what you’re thinking. No, I wasn’t invited. I wasn’t there to eat the food (though I did), dance (which I also did) or give a speech (I tried to do a voiceover-type presentation but the microphone cord was pulled). I was there for science. The science of relationships. The future of science in relationships. The revolution that brought in a new era of relationships that takes place in a future, of science.

And now a quick joke...

The closest I’ve ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.