A very happy seventy-first birthday to my father, Admiral Johnathan Hornsworth, the greatest man alive. Please see the attached pictures of him, all of which incidentally include me. Do I look good in all of these pictures? Yes, thank you for noticing, but this post isn’t about me. It’s about celebrating the birth of a strong, noble, and loving man, without whom I never would have existed.

Throughout my life you’ve taught me so much, Dad, and I wanted to take a moment on your birthday to thank you on this website that you despise. It’s the least I could do for the world’s greatest father, which is what I have (jealous haters?). I have so many fond memories it’s hard to put them all in one post, and so I’ll probably do more after this.

Listen, life wasn’t always easy. There were times growing up when we hardly had any money, but we were always rich in one thing: love. And that’s what I think of most when I think of you, Dad; that warm, fuzzy feeling of love, similar to the feeling of the dopamine rush when my friends like and comment on this post. This is your special day, so enjoy it!

Anyway, here are some pictures of my favorite memories of us: summers on the farm, vacation in Cozumel, and my twenty-first birthday, which you weren’t at but you did make me promise not to get too drunk. Oops! That’s just you, always looking out for me. I hope you enjoy these pics, even though you won’t see them. Maybe someone could print them out and, like, show them to you on paper? Does anyone know how to do that?

I can’t wait for our family dinner to celebrate this weekend, at the place my sisters and I picked out, which you and mom will pay for. I’ll try to bring a present or something. But really, isn’t the inevitable boost in social clout you and I will get from this post worth more than any gift?

Now I’m starting to think I should re-word a few things. How long is too long? What’s the best time of day to post? My Father’s Day post did less than two hundred likes, and that was a tough time. Can’t have that again. Please people, just hit the button, I need this.

Are those really the best pictures I could use? My arm looks kind of fat in that Mexico one. God, what was I eating then? You can’t even slim down for the beach, Cheryl? Maybe I’ll do one more pass to see if there’s anything where I look hotter. That one from the spring was cute. With the dress. How many pics does he really have to be in, anyway? Just the first one, right? That’s the main one.

Whatever, it doesn’t matter. This is a dying website anyway. I’ll probably delete my account soon. I don’t even go on that much—just to see what’s happening and stuff. If those hoes don’t want to like my super sweet post about my dad, who cares? Their loss. It’s better if they don’t, anyway. I hope they don’t.

But the point is, I love you, Dad! Which is why I’ve decided to tell you that on a website that completely goes against any and all of the values you’ve displayed over the years, and why I’ll almost certainly not express anything with any depth or sincerity to you in person, due to my incapability of effectively conveying my emotions, born out of years of frivolous preoccupations and a total lack of commitment to working on myself. You’re my favorite dad in the world. Rent is due soon so I hope you’re sending the check? We should really talk about Venmo.