Why should kids get all the fun/nausea/depression?
Stock Market Plunge
Start at the top of a tower with your net worth at its very peak, and then physically plunge to the ground, watching your assets diminish in a simulation of a real estate bubble bursting. At the bottom, you are shaken and poverty-stricken.
Aan artist draws your face as it would look 10 years later. Look at what you have to look forward to! Let those forehead wrinkles deepen! Let that hair turn gray! Let those jowls sag! Move on to the next tent where botox is sold.
No Driver's License Bumper Cars
Like bumper cars, but only the child drives. You, the adult, have to sit passenger side, incessantly pumping the imaginary brakes. Payment for the damages to the other very fragile cars is automatically deducted from your bank account. (You gave Grown World permission to access your bank account information upon entry into the park.) Once again, you frazzled parents end up even more poverty-stricken, unnerved, suffering back pain that will never leave, and disliking your children.
Under-Guess Your Weight
Wait as a carnie under-guesses your weight. Feel flattered until you endure the humiliation of stepping on the scale and showing the world that the guess is wrong! Really wrong. You are a full 53.5 pounds heavier than her guess. For your sorrows, you get a stuffed animal big enough that you feel weird carrying it around, and, most importantly, you are not poverty-stricken (from this event)! Just disgraced and feeling fat. A win!
Interactive 3D Divorce Experience
Discover all the fun and excitement of sitting through a divorce via our 3D interactive theater. Feel the splash of water on your face as the show simulates your significant other spitting at you. Endure rumbling seats, simulating physical abuse. Smell alcoholic drinks. Watch your children tearful because mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore and smell like alcohol.
Trans Fat Market
Satisfy all your trans fat food needs at inflated amusement park prices! There is deep fried mayonnaise, Oreos, cheese curds, calamari, carrot chips, king rib, frosting, waffle fries, coconut shrimp, okra, avocado (great source of vitamins C, E, K, and B-6), Mountain Dew, banana, hash browns, and more! Basically anything that fits in a fryer. Soft drinks are sold in ex-milk gallon cartons. Pizza is sold by the 18” pie. Feel free to return to Under Guess You Weight for an updated weighing. Maybe you will walk around with two large stuffed animals!
Sleazy Maintenance Guy Roller Coaster
Ride this daring, thrilling, and dashing roller coaster until you get to the top of a loop, and the ride comes to a halt. Blood starts to flood to your head. It’s getting harder to breathe. Your heart is stressed. Now you’re having vision problems. In conclusion, you pay the sleazy maintenance guy whatever he wants to fix the roller coaster. Continue the ride to a safe end and a poverty-stricken finish. At this point, Grown World would like to remind you that we do offer a line of credit.
Porta Potty-Like Receptacle Room
This porta potty-like construction is designed as a receptacle for pee, poop, or puke. (I’ll admit that it’s probably from our rides, concessions, and/or generally poor park hygiene.) In other words, it is a secluded hole in the ground. With a $35 entry fee, this opportunity to avoid public humiliation is a steal. Save money by peeing, pooping, and puking all in only one use.
Morning Kids Show Jamboree Slaughter
Try to focus on the energetic, colorful, weirdly-dressed figures singing bizarre songs as your little kids make happy sounds and prance around. Retain your horror and torment. Afterward, enjoy the carnival game where you try to hit a picture of one of these spasmodic, colorful characters with a shotgun for $120 a shot and $12,000 to shoot at the actual figure. You are now even more debt-stricken by at least $12,000.
In the style of other medieval castles, this castle has a shitload of steps, too. After 30 minutes of intense, leg-aching climbing, your kids will get tired and promptly need to be carried. At the top, they will gaze out with no amazement and no joy—the same no amazement and no joy you will feel as you collapse from sheer exhaustion. After emergency paramedic treatment fees, you’re considering bankruptcy, can’t afford the gas money to drive home, and your lovely children are never going to college in this day and age.
Have a great time!
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