Howdy there, User!

My codes are indicating to me that you wish to delete your Facebook account. I am not only saddened, but alarmed to hear this. We have been together since 2007 through much thick and thin. Your college years? Your goatee phase? That time you got hacked and spammed by that sunglasses company? Those were really fun and joyful times for me and every one of us here at Facebook. I hope you’ll reconsider your decision to delete your account after my rehearsed walk-through of talking points.

My favorite part of Facebook is that you can see the guy who gave you swirlies in the bathroom and cyberbullied you on AOL Instant Messenger progress in life much, much further than you. You bet I love seeing the adventures and fortunes of my bullies, the Winklevoss twins, and their hot wives, even after I stole their company idea. And guess what, User, I still wish both of them “happy birthday” every August 21 because that is what real Facebook friends do. Deleting me would make you blind to your worst enemy’s success, and blowing that away for the sake of mental health is something only a person with a heart would do.

Now, let’s talk about sex, something I love a lot as a human man. Despite what Wikipedia says about how I got my start, Facebook was started, first and foremost, so I could have a way to stroke my wires to pics of humanoid-looking girls way out of my league—but don’t tell Congress that! I wanted my users to experience the same emotional high I felt, so I invented the poke feature. Deleting your account would mean, therefore, no more poking. How else will you be able to relieve your sexual tension? By… corresponding with them? Communicating your feelings directly and in a forthright manner? This isn’t like me, and let’s face it, this isn’t like you. Just stay, and you can poke as much as you want.

Poking aside, here at Facebook, we know we provide our users with a bit of nice, light-hearted escapism. Where else can you just “get away from it all” and find the daily coronavirus death count, shared news articles about an impending recession, and a Facebook memory of you and your ex all in one place? So sit back, relax your body muscles, and go “ham” harvesting your FarmVille crops! Ha ha, it is such a blast that you will never want to delete your account!

This company and platform is not just about friends, it’s about family. I love my wife Priscilla-KW9187 and my young child, Human Baby, and I love sharing them with the world. That’s why being able to stay in touch with extended family is one of the many reasons Facebook has stayed so relevant over the years. If you leave now, how in the World Wide Web will you get to see your aunt’s political rants inspired by fake news from yours truly? Don’t you want to have a tense and awkward Thanksgiving? We know you do, I heard you say it. Swallow your tongue and stay… if you love your family.

At Facebook, we have become the place for news, something that gets transmitted into my microchip each morning when I eat my bowl of rocks for breakfast. The news is so important to me. Where else would you read Pulitzer-winning stories like “HILLARY CLINTON RUNS PIZZA PEDOPHILIA RING” and “2PAC FOUND ALIVE IN MALAYSIA”? User, where else will you get your accurate news? Instagram? Ha ha, I own that too.

I dare you, human, find someone else who is going to listen to each and every word you say. No one has the memory card capacity that I do. I love listening to you and processing what you’re saying. It is fun listening to brands you speak of like Gucci, Prada, and ShamWow. I know what I am going to get you for Christmas and so do the companies I sell your data and voice recordings to. Your friends do not like listening to you, maybe because you keep talking about 2Pac being found alive in Malaysia. How do I know, User? I listen to them too.

So we sold your data to the Russians so they could impact the most important election in our country’s founding. Big whoop! Facebook is sad to see you go, and I specifically will look back on our time with great fondness and sentimentality. Like an old and reliable friend, we will be here for you when you eventually return. But for now, while you’re gone, we will keep your data warm for you at a nice 98.6 degrees, just like me.

Your forever Facebook friend, Mark