Q: I've noticed some changes around the office. What's up?
A: Thank you for that astute observation. As our company grows, new and exciting things are happening: a new lamp in the break room, mysterious, cloaked men who have purchased and taken over our company, and a larger microwave in the kitchen!
Q: Am I safe around the mysterious, cloaked men?
A: Of course you are! Some may find it different how the mysterious cloaked men don't touch the ground but instead move by gliding along the carpet, or how they communicate by reaching their decaying hands out of their tattered cloaks and touching our foreheads. But we promise this is different in a new and fun way!
Q: Is my job safe?
Q: What happened to Steve/Marcia/Andrew/etc. from Quality Assurance?
A number of our Quality Assurance Specialists have now been tasked with feeding hornet’s nests to the enormous beast that has been chained up in the office basement. However, it's important to stress that no one has been terminated!
Q; What happened to Leonard?
A: Leonard was catapulted through a vibrating and glowing door frame into a space between dimensions.
A: This is a much better question and one we will leave up to the new management or Leonard to answer.
Q: What exactly does our company do now?
A: Our company has moved away from corporate story design and into the field of enacting the will of the mysterious, cloaked men. Whether they feed off of the pain of others or they’ve somehow diluted the agonizing torture of humans into a currency or sustenance is currently unclear to us, either way, that is now the core focus of our company.
Q: Has HR been terminated?
A: They have been transitioned to a department in another dimension with our new sister company: a playground for hyper-intelligent aliens where they can play God by dictating the actions of human society within an isolated sandbox, all performed with a translucent computer made of crystals.
Q: Are we in one of those sandboxes?
Q: Are you sure?
Q: Is there anything HR can do to help?
A: Yes! But it won't be easy. The mysterious, cloaked men whispered into an infinitely deep well that they’ve constructed in their office and the HR department slowly began to disintegrate. All matters for HR can be conducted through morse code by turning on and off the new lamp in the break room. Just know that, because they are not directly employed by us, these HR representatives are being paid at their consultant rate. So please discuss with them only as needed.
Q: What is happening with our paychecks?
A: It is our understanding that many, if not all employee’s paychecks have been turning into ash in their hand. We are looking into this problem and will have it fixed by the end of next pay period!
Q: I’m having trouble dialing out of the office, is there a new dial out code?
A: Anyone who's looked out the window may have noticed that our office has transported itself into the middle of a desert that is perpetually amidst a twilight hour. One of the mysterious cloaked men pulled back their hood revealing a melting ram’s head, which kindly informed us that “we have all become the great nightmare, spiraling into oblivion.” The design team, who think the message might be an anagram, are working diligently to decipher what it could mean
Q: What can I do to be successful as possible in this transition phase?
A: Carry on as you always have! Also, remember to double checked the locks on the doors that catapult you into the gaps in between dimensions, remind forgetful employees that the basement is now the beast's domain, stay away from the windows, clean the mess of ooze and puss left from the beast after it feeds, and also keep a positive attitude around team members during this transition! After the design team breaks the anagram mystery, we’re going to have them work on a fun pneumonic device for these new duties.
Q: What's up with the new microwave?
A: Just a simple thanks for all your hard work! It’s a double-decker microwave, which means two people can heat up their lunches at the same time!
Q: Is our existence a metaphor for all human suffering?
A: No, we are sure this has no deeper metaphoric meaning and is just what happens in our fast-paced corporate world!