Hey WRST Fans,
Metal Mike here. I just wanted to let you know that due to some seriously un-rock developments, we have to move this year's Rocktober Fest to December. All the announced bands will still be there (except Wolfgang Amadeus Amadeus, who no longer want to be a Phoenix and Mozart cover band, and are “rethinking things”). We promise you'll still be able to throw horns while enjoying all your favorite affordable tribute bands like Sensual Sax Healing: A Tribute to Clarence Clemons, The Pho Fighters, Use Your Delusion, Avenged Onefold, The Other Beck, The White Keys, Work at Men, and the legend himself, Matt Talica, the one-man jam that can ride the lightning!
We know you probably have a lot of questions, and wouldn't be upset if you wanted to get a refund and seek exile on main street. We understand that we're emailing you all in December to let you know about something we should have been on top of weeks ago. We're sorry. We've received your messages and bomb threats, and watched you try to use big trucks to pull down our broadcast tower. All of it has been very punk rock. We just want to remind you that we're a radio station, which is the exact same thing as being a landline telephone or AOL in 2020: we're for people that like a good Target run in the day, and a good drunken cry at night.
To help everyone catch up, we've put together this handy Q&A for all those still ready to mosh with us before Xmas:
So it's still called Rocktoberfest?
But it's in December?
But not in October?
We're emailing you in December, so the WRST team would have had to put their GED and BA degrees to use cracking time travel for this to be possible.
Have you thought about changing the name to something more December-y? Like Hell's Jingle Bells or Ho, Ho, Hoedown?
Since we're a radio station, we don't have things like money or resources to make any changes. Believe us, we've thought about paying for new merchandise and PR materials ourselves, but it would mean living in our Kia Sorentos again, and we just moved out of our cars a few weeks ago.
That's so deeply sad and tragic… I don't know what to say. Can I buy you a drink?
We're trying to make a living by pretending streaming services haven't been invented yet, so don't feel too bad. As far as drinking goes, part of the reason the WRST crew is still spinning Ratt tracks for our listeners is because we lived like Ratt was still awesome up until recently. Buying any of us a drink is probably a bad idea.
What sort of Covid restrictions is WRST taking with the festival?
As all of you are probably aware of, our county seems to have a unique inability to wear masks, which means if we hadn't gone ahead and sealed ourselves inside the station, every person would have Covid. A recent article in your least favorite (but very rock) publication, The New York Times, called our county “a phenomenon unlike anything else” (have they seen Daryl Corring's gun collection?). So, to answer your question, our priority isn't you, but rather ourselves and the performers. To this effect, we've installed protective bubbles around each stage, and sound will be broadcast via PA systems we've installed on the edge of each stage. Please DO NOT try and open these. They do not contain treasure.
So what was the reason for moving the festival, if you know we refuse to wear masks?
The bubbles took longer than expected to ship.
If I get tired from all my headbanging, are there other activities to do at the festival?
Yes. You can warm in a complimentary steam area. Please note that the steam is just water in a different form and will not turn you into a bug person. There's also an area to play frisbee, a charging station for Samsung phones, and a “drinkin' hammock” sponsored by local brewery, Dumb Kevin.
Is there cornhole? THERE BETTER BE!
Yes, there's cornhole. We even labeled the beanbags “For Cornhole Use” so no one mistakes them for hacky sacks and tries to burn them in trash cans like last year, the year before that, and in all the years since the festival started.
What if it rains?
We know better than to cancel anything if it rains, since you all love a good excuse to riot. In the event of rain, we'll make sure to have plenty of cold beer on hand to help keep you cool on a cold rainy afternoon.
Will the bands still play if it rains?
There will be so much beer to drink in the event of rain. So. much. beer.
I love beer! Speaking of, what food vendors will there be at this year's Rocktober Fest?
After last year's deadly shooting of every single employee of Laura's Vegan Ice Cream Shop, including Laura herself, we've gone with all meat options! Fred's Fried Turkey Legs, F*** You Ribs, Jack's Fried Chicken and Biscuits, and the Beastly Bacon Ice Cream truck will help keep you fed and docile during the event.
Will there be any actual celebrities?
We were going to wait to announce this, but what the hey! Since our two most requested songs are Limp Bizkit's “Break Stuff” and Limp Bizkit's “Rollin,” we've convinced Fred Durst himself to be on-site to sign autographs and pose for pictures at Limp Barks-it, a puppy adoption program with all proceeds going to help the band afford health insurance now that the people you do your best to keep out of town are the most popular musicians.
Is the festival safe to attend?
That's all up to you. We've slaughtered all the chickens and lit all the votive candles we can. We've made sure everything is padded, all food stands, booths, porta-potties, and stages are screwed into the ground, and (this is important) all electrical outlets have safe rubber plugs to charge through. There are no sharp objects anywhere on site, and we've bribed security to not look the other way when their friends bring in fireworks or other dangerous things.
When is the festival?
Tomorrow. We're hoping this means a lot of you won't show up, but we know better than to be optimistic!