Hold on. Let me sit first. I’ve been standing all day.
Okay. Fine. Tell me your dreams.
Falling From The Sky: This is good. This means you’re ready to stop acting dumb. Your subconscious is saying that you need to go back to school or enlist. You’re falling away from your stupid wakeboarding career and into something more realistic.
Look, you don’t even own a wakeboard. You’re going to borrow your cousin Bobby’s wakeboard and drive forty-five minutes up to Dracut every weekend and this is going to be a career? In this dream did you fall from the sky and hit your head? Stop it.
Death: You’re upset that you’re not going to The Cape this year. Your body is trying to process it. Let me process it for you: it’s your fault you are not going to The Cape because of how you and your cousins behaved last year.
You know your Uncle Shawn has a bad back.
You know he likes to wrestle when he’s depressed.
But you couldn’t let him win. No, you and your cousins had to suplex him right in the middle of the Mashpee Commons and embarrass him in front of strangers. Now he says he’s got a pinched nerve and you can't stay in his beach rental.
Broken Teeth: You know your grandfather broke his four front teeth. Fell off a building. Your grandfather was an ironworker. Did you know that?
Hey, don’t get smart with me. You got no room to be smart. Imagine telling your grandfather that you want to fly around on a foam board getting dragged by a boat for a living. Jesus. It would break his heart.
I think you need your teeth broken. That’s what I think about this little dream. You know I love you, but sometimes, I swear.
Losing a Fight: The Celtics just made it to the second round of the playoffs and you come in here with this? What’s the matter with you? Have a new dream where you win the fight. Or stop dreaming. Yeah, have you ever thought of not dreaming? I don’t dream.
Snakes: Look, I don’t know why you’re thinking about snakes. That’s none of my business. But look at your cousin Patrick. Nurses Assistant. He did that in, like, three months and now he’s making almost as much as the actual nurses. The kid was eating Oxy’s like cereal now he’s got a career. You do that for a couple years, get your associate's degree, then you do some real, no-shit nursing. Call your cousin.
Sex: No. Stop it. What? Are you stupid? And I’ll tell you what else: God. You need God.