A speech you say into a phone, so the bad guy knows, by the end of the movie, he’s going to bite it. Big time!

Key Search Terms: Toughest, Greatest, Particular Set of Skills


The president needs a lot of great stuff to say to bad guys on the phone. The monologue given by Liam Neeson in the 2008 action blockbuster, Taken, is the greatest monologue of all time. Nobody has a patent on it. I would like to patent it. So I own it. And nobody can use it but me. I’m going to use it on bad guys.

Summary of the Invention

Greatest Speeches: Hamlet, Patton, Ferris Bueller. That’s fake news! This is the greatest thing to say to someone you’re about to hunt. I’ve always used it. Ask anyone.

Description of the Invention

First off, you start telling the guy what you don’t know: where he is, what he wants, etc. Then you start making the deal. Tell him you don’t have money. But everyone knows I have loads of money. So tell him about your skills. Some of my skills are playing piano beautifully and palming basketballs. Give him a way out.

But if he doesn’t make the deal, you’re going to torture his ass to death. Nice!

Detailed Description of the Preferred Embodiment

I’m dealing with some bad hombres and I call them up from Air Force One. We’re flying into New York. I’m going up to Trump Tower to get my slingshot. Top of the line, pure gold wrist rocket.

Then I tell this guy what I need to tell him. That is, Liam Neeson’s monologue from American film classic, Taken. Then I track him down and blow his head off with a gold nugget from my Trump Tiny Trebuchet. It’s tiny relative to other trebuchets, not to me. I’m not tiny, I’m huge. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Brief Description of Drawings

Fig 1: Liam Neeson, as Star Wars, holding a frog’s tongue.

Fig 2: Me one-handed dunking on LeBron and eating a stuffed crust pizza with my other hand.