White supremacy and all of its legacies must be eliminated from American society. As partners in that effort, we at Yum! Brands feel it important to point out, before anyone unleashes any false accusations, that the KFC™ Colonel Sanders was not a Confederate officer in the Civil War, but a Union officer actively fighting the Confederacy in Kentucky. Therefore, Yum! Brands kindly requests that the KFC mascot and other KFC-trademarked items not be #cancelled in the near future by any key consumer demographics.

Colonel Expediah Travelocitae Sanders, III, was born the son of an indentured servant and Nobel Prize-winning female scientist, Marie Curie, in 1815. Yum! Brands would like to unequivocally state that an indentured servant is not a “white slave.” Yum! Brands or affiliates would never directly compare Colonel Sanders’ experiences to that of the black slave experience, so any public clap-backs from thought leaders will be unnecessary.

When young Sanders paid off his debts, he enrolled in Forest Hill Military Academy after graduating with honors from Transylvania University with a degree in Afro-Caribbean Studies, Women and Sexuality Studies, and Herbalism ‘n’ Spicesism.

After military school, the Colonel began delivering fast-food chicken at an affordable price to homes all over Kentucky using the greatest infrastructure project of all: the Underground Railroad.

There are many unfounded rumors that the smell of the Colonel’s secret recipe of herbs and spices led to slave-owners discovering the Underground Railroad. Yum! Brands adamantly disputes this outlandish claim. Furthermore, our in-house chemosensory historian, Sean Spicer, can prove that, on the contrary, the delectable smell of Colonel Sanders’ fried chicken distracted slave owners from their odious pursuit.

Indeed, even Colonel Sanders’ Secret Recipe™ does not deserve reputational ill-will on any social media platform.

When the Civil War broke out, Colonel Sanders shot his brother and business partner dead when he said “the Civil War is about state’s rights.” This history is discussed further in a Yum! Brands article published in the Harvard Law Review titled, “Chickin’ His Privilege: Fratricide and Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil in Interwar Kentucky.”

In 1864, Colonel Sanders murdered a Robert E. Lee statue. And in 1865, he assassinated President Abraham Lincoln for overly-attributing the liberation of slaves to white saviors like himself, rather than the hard work of black abolitionists.

In conclusion, we at Yum! Brands affirm that Colonel Sanders was an intersectional abolitionist, militant black nationalist, and cholesterol icon who hated Columbus Day, never questioned why we don’t have a White History Month, and personally punched two Nazis in the face in 2017.

Although, if he were alive today, the Colonel himself would own up to his complicity in systemic white privilege, implicit racial bias, and his recipe’s unique contribution to the scourge of slavery. Because that’s just how self-aware and humble-woke he was.

Given this, Yum! Brands asks that consumers please refrain from cancelling, boycotting, doxxing, raking, owning, bitch-making, corn-cobbing, or milkshake duck’ing Colonel Sanders, or any other affiliated KFC products.

It is in this spirit that we note that Pizza Hut™ is not a reference to a pre-modern, stereotypically-uncivilized Italian tribal hut. Rather, Pizza Hut is a celebration of Jabba the Hutt, anti-fat-shaming, and body positivity, as discussed in Yum! Brands’ forthcoming article in The New England Journal of Medicine, “Jabba the Pizza: Body Positivity and Cantina Capitalism in Tatooine, USA.” So please, whether you’re a proud Italian-American or an overweight Star Wars fan, come try Pizza Hut’s Tuscani™ Chicken Alfredo Pasta.

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