H

arry Potter

If Shakespeare wrote these books, all the characters J.K. Rowling has retroactively made gay would have been openly gay in the actual books because Shakespeare ain't scared.

DUMBLEDORE

Listen well youths, once with a man I laid,
Bestowed upon him a gift, I did.
Thrice with men I have been, ecstasy with we paid,
To men I belong, women I be frigid.

HARRY POTTER

Headmaster, why doth thee tell pupils this please sire,
Only just have thee met, yet you tell us such things.
Seems most crude to tell children this desire,
Promptly to tell us to what you use your ding.


Moby Dick

Moby Dick by Shakespeare would have seen the white whale be able to speak and he would have sassed Ahab to his grave.

THE WHITE WHALE

Thou had best check thine eyes foul creature,
They betray thine hand, willing not to strike me.
How doth thee miss, my arse is far from miniature,
‘Tis gargantuan, as this blubber shakes free.


Twilight

Shakespeare would have committed suicide in shame three paragraphs into writing this.

CHORUS

Sweet Bella grazed Edward’s skin, which sparkl—

Exeunt. Shakespeare hangs himself off-stage.


Fifty Shades of Grey

It would have been loosely implied that Mr. Grey and Anastasia Steele were cousins. Not first cousins, of course, as that would be what makes this entire book gross. Additionally, sexual acts would have been mostly described using metaphors about a horse.

CHORUS

Anastasia viewed Grey show his pride,
With hooves and mane she expected to see the rest.
It whinnied joyously as upon she did ride,
One did conquer suitors, finishing the test.


1984

The police would have been 120% more in favour of using poetry to suppress the populous.

THOUGHT POLICEMAN

Ye have committed crime against mine Brother,
As penalty shall come to thee, so swift in time,
Crimes see thee recite in name of thine mother,
A great one sonnet, best ensure it rhymes.


Lord of The Flies

Piggy would have died on page two and still would have recited a monologue from underneath the boulder that crushed his entire body.

PIGGY

Here I doth lay, hastily defeated by fate,
This mountain came down upon me from above,
Breath seeps from breast, it doth accelerate,
My gay soul leaves thee now, to soar as doves.

Death shall not come now, thine son suffers yet,
There is more to say mine dear savages,
One so early maimed, yet owe still a debt,
Still I speak as rock doth act to ravage.

Steel thy heart as thee doth expects thine love to soon die,
Alas I just seem to survive, my soul not free,
Pain is mine path, and I cannot help but cry,
This stone did not do it, men I ask ye, kill me.

How I yearn for rock to bring the end of life,
It pierces vein and cock, so bringing strife.

Piggy exits.

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