11/20/18 — 4:39 PM

Bill— 5-year-old Johnny Casin was recently diagnosed with stage II brain cancer. He’s been receiving treatment from the local hospital, St. Edwards, but a major donor has threatened to pull their funding, which could result in Johnny losing his treatment. With enough signatures, we can convince this donor to continue to support Johnny. Every voice matters, and enough voices can change the world. Sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs.

11/30/18 — 7:58 PM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin’s birthday was yesterday. All he wished for was that people like you would help him survive. And Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. He’s been granted one of those wishes; can you grant him the second? (Just to be clear, the second wish is for you to sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs, not Super Smash Brothers Ultimate.)

12/9/18 — 9:25 PM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin wants to grow up to be president. And he’s got a pretty comprehensive tax reform plan, too. Also, a law to legally enforce ice cream for breakfast. If those sound like policies that interest you, then, please, sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs.

12/16/18 — 10:46 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin has some serious dirt on your ex-wife, Brittany. Did you ever noticed how she laughed extra hard at her personal trainer’s jokes? Yeah, well, let’s just say there’s a reason for that. And Johnny’s totally willing to spill the tea on it if you sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs.

12/19/18 — 2:33 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin got ahold of a copy of your high school yearbook. He’s also got 152.9k followers on Instagram. So, unless you want over 150,000 people to see you with mutton chops, right above the words “FAT DOUCHE” written in sharpie, please, sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs.

12/21/18 — 2:33 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin just told his nurse that, when he dies, he’s going to haunt everybody who didn’t sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs. That’s not directed at anybody specific, Bill, we just thought you might like to know.

12/23/18 — 12:01 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin has taken several hostages. For every day you don’t sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs, he will waste one of them. The clock’s ticking, Bill. Do the right thing.

12/24/18 — 12:27 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin just murdered a doctor in cold blood. The police have asked him what his demands are. He pulled the doctor’s beating heart out, looked straight into a local news camera, and said, in a monotone voice, “I need Bill Alesky to sign Alice Casin’s petition to get me the help I need. Also, Fortnite skins.” Do you know how much skill it takes to kill somebody in a hospital? Please, sign Alice Casin’s petition to get Johnny the help he needs, before he murders us all.

12/24/18 — 4:56 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin isn’t fucking around this time, Bill. You’ve got one hour. Helicopters are on their way.

12/24/18 — 5:52 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin is a block away. We suggest you hide. This isn’t going to end well for you.

12/24/18 — 5:56 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin just entered your property. We hope you remember the combination to that gun safe in the basement.

12/24/18 — 5:58 AM

Bill— 6-year-old Johnny Casin caught you lacking, didn’t he? You’ve got about four minutes until you die from blood loss. We encourage you to start crawling over to that computer, and, for the love of Christ, sign Alice Casin’s goddamn petition to get Johnny the help he needs.

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