Whew. Alright everyone, thanks for visiting barntalk.net yet again despite the overwhelming evidence that you should not. After writing up this thing, we have concluded that there are finally, at long last, no more barn-related topics to discuss. This will be our final blog post.
If you’ve stuck around with us through the past few years, we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts, and also ask you how and why you did such a thing. By all measures, our content started becoming desperate and totally unrelatable around August 2011.
But seeing as headlines like “Protecting Your Barn From Asteroids,” “Barn Goblins—What Are They? Do They Respond To Physical Humor?” and “If Barns Had Fingers” have yet to convince you to unbookmark this mess, I guess today we are going to break down the do's and don'ts of dealing with Matt Damon when he takes up residence in your barn to prepare for an upcoming sequel of 2002’s Spirit in hopes that you say something like, “this is ridiculous” and go find a new thing to read about.
Sorry for the looser than normal format. We are very tired of all this. Here’s what to do when you find Matt Damon in your barn getting ready to reprise his role as Spirit the horse.
DO give him acting notes: Matt Damon is an experienced actor who is self-assured in his range and typically takes feedback very well. If you overhear him in your barn trying to do way too much with lines like “This land knows our footsteps—NEIGHHH!” provide him with a few comments. Keep it short, communicate confidently. Matt chose your barn for a reason—it appeared warm, safe, and a place where a horse-like Spirit might shit freely. He will trust you because of this, and appreciate your guidance. Now, please go report us to some sort of consumer protection agency. Nothing about what you just read is factual or relevant.
DO NOT clean up his shit: This might seem like Matt Damon shitting in your barn to facilitate a realistic horse environment 101, but it needs to be said that Matt Damon being surrounded in his own shit is essential for him to step into this character. Spirit the horse shits anywhere in the prairie he wants. Your barn is no exception. In order to truly bring Spirit to life, Matt Damon will need to explore this sense of freedom, and cleaning up his shit in your barn we assume would probably disrupt this process. Again, none of this information is usable. We are simply making outlandish claims with confidence. Visit a library.
DO bring him fresh hay: Horses eat hay, and so will Matt Damon during his stay in your barn. Waking up to a fresh trough of hay each morning will get him in the right headspace for a long day of neighing and shitting in your barn. What will it take for you to unsubscribe from our newsletter?
DO NOT tell him that Spirit Untamed has long been in production, is set to release Jun 4, 2021 and he has no role in it whatsoever: Under no circumstance should you tell Matt Damon that Dreamworks has already gone and made a Spirit sequel without him. Matt Damon feels very strongly about the Spirit franchise and this news will crush him entirely. He will curl up in a corner of your barn and demand that you put him down like an old horse no one needs anymore—like an old blog no one needs anymore. Please go away forever.