Oh really? You aren’t?

That’s fine. I’ll describe it.

It’s a tri-weekly show hosted by me on the Pep Boys Podcast Network. Don’t bother looking that network up, just trust it exists. It’s sort of like pleading nolo. You’ve never seen it in action, but it sounds like it could exist.

I cover everything, from how caller-ID ruined our formerly democratic institution of American Idol to how far away your taint is from your elbow. It’s a show with everything for everybody. But believe me, knowing what to cover didn’t always come so easy.

There were plenty of stumbles along the way. I never realized how long an hour was until I had to fill one. I mean, sure, talking a lot comes with being a lawyer, but someone usually interrupts me or tells me when to sit down. A podcast is different. The stakes are so much higher. If I screw up on my show, no one else is there to take the fall. My brand is at stake. It’s one of the most stressful things I’ve ever done. We can’t all be care-free, anything-goes Terry Gross.

Sometimes I’d go to the grocery store and write down everything they had and then relay that back on the pod. Sure, the store might run out of what I saw by the time my show aired, but it was close enough for the listeners to get the idea. But, you can only go to Ingles so often. Their inventory is pretty much static. Plus, they get suspicious when you cruise the aisles with a clipboard and don’t buy anything.

Since then we’ve really hit a stride. I sold a bunch of my LSAT books and snagged a used condenser mic. You can barely hear my neighbors fighting anymore. They’re not a couple or anything. They just shout at each other about ice cream. There never seems to be the right amount at their place. It’s kind of cute until they start tossing plates.

I also bought some string lights and a hookah. I was saving up for some couches, but they’re probably not necessary. It’s important to create a certain amount of ambiance without providing any tangible comfort. It keeps the guests more honest. Plus, their heads get so heavy from the hookah smoke they’ll talk about anything.

Take our first guest, Rodge from Bim’s—you know, the package store across from the Texaco with the broken sign. He was on mostly because my check bounced. I offered him airtime in exchange for my balance. And I just mentioned him here, so that’s about $38 dollars of free advertising. My Mr. Boston should be more than covered at this point.

Anyway, he comes on, and after three hours of bathing in red light and vanilla-watermelon hookah smoke, he starts telling me how dogs’ saliva contains their life-force and that’s why their owners love getting their faces licked. Dog-owners are like saliva-draculas. The spittle keeps them youthful. There're all these studies Rodge told me about that show how dog-owners live longer than normal people. It sort of makes sense when you think about how short dog years are, and why dog people all smile like they’re in on some secret.

Now, is any of that true? I don’t know. That’s not my call. But it beats the hell out of listing cereals.

Podcasts aren’t about truth or facts. They’re about somebody talking to a person they don’t know until they have to talk about a product they don’t understand. My problem is I know everybody and understand everything. That’s why we don’t have any sponsors yet. But you could change that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

You don’t have to say anything now. We can figure out the fine print after you decide whether or not to Bar-B-Q the SOB sitting on the other side of the aisle. Not literally of course, he only ran a couple of stop signs.

In the interest of time, I’d like to begin my closing argument.

I used all my time? Well, like and subscribe if what I described sounds like something you’d want to half-listen to while you do something else.

The show’s called The Link-on-Lawyer, because I have the link to my show on my business card. I’ll pass a few out in the lobby after this all wraps up.

The prosecution rests, your honor.