Hi, I’m Adam Duritz, lead singer of the popular 1990s rock n’ roll band Counting Crows. We delighted and inspired audiences with our retro-flavored but future-forward hits like “Mr. Jones,” “A Long December,” and “Accidentally in Love (Theme from Shrek).” And before you ask, yes, I still have my dreadlocks. Ha!
But time marches on, tastes change, and bands splinter—even Counting Crows. Our organ player became a top studio musician, our drummer opened a karate dojo, and me, well, I invested all my Crows cash and I now own $3 billion worth of Florida real estate and construction companies. And with it, I can finally make my most cherished dream become a reality. Opening Summer 2020, just outside of beautiful Kissimmee, Florida: Round Here Land, the world’s first theme park based entirely on the Counting Crows’ 1994 smash hit single “Round Here.”
Here’s a glimpse of what awaits you at Round Here Land:
The Front Door. Your Round Here Land adventure begins the moment you enter the park gates and enter it like a ghost into fog. It’s there you will notice Round Here Land’s unique color palate, a contrast of white on white.
Better View! On this sky-high thrill ride, guests sit in carts shaped like angels, and they get to see the wreckage of a city below, i.e. the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
The Air Walk. You’ll walk in the air between the rain on this sky bridge connecting the different sections of Round Here Land. It’s where the ocean meets the land!
M.A.R.I.A. 1. Round Here Land’s team of highly advanced animatronic humanoids wander throughout the park. Guests can ask her anything, and M.A.R.I.A. will say that she’s dying, and you can hear her crying. Why? I don’t know!
M.A.R.I.A. 2. Another, different highly advanced animatronic humanoid wanders Round Here Land with a suitcase in her hand, claiming to be looking to meet a boy who looks like Elvis. (Guests who M.A.R.I.A. 2 determines to look like Elvis win a special prize!)
Adam Duritz’s House. A replica of the fabulous Hollywood bungalow I lived in from early 1992 to late 1993 is the center of this 4-D VR ride. Guests feel like they really did take their clothes off and ask a hologram of early ‘90s Adam Duritz how close he is to understanding Jesus.
First aid. Having trouble acting normal? Feeling nervous? We have first aid booths at Round Here Land.
Engrave-A-Name. At Round Here Land, we’re carving out our names in the Round Here Land Engrave-A-Name-in-Wood wood-carving stations. It makes the perfect souvenir. There are many of these around Round Here Land; they all look the same.
Talk Like Lions and Sacrifice Like Lambs. Things get a little wild in Round Here Land’s animatronic-powered “Frontier Country”!
The Lightning Dream. Live out the best lyric in “Round Here” at Round Here Land and literally run like the wind out of the lightning dream! Okay!
The Parking Lot. Not to be confused with the actual parking lot of Round Here Land, which has ample room for 30,000 cars, vans, electric vehicles, and RVs, The Parking Lot is Round Here Land’s live theatrical experience. Running every hour on the hour from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. at the Mr. Jones Memorial Amphitheater. Not to give away too much of the plot, but it involves a girl who sits on a car in the titular, mysterious “parking lot.” What will the other Round Here Land characters do when she says, “Man, you should try to take a shot, can’t you see my walls are crumbling?” You’ll just have to come to the show to find out! (Warning: Guests sitting in the first five rows will get covered in a thin layer of dust from the crumbling walls.)
Tired of Something. Tired of life? Thinking of jumping? At Round Here Land, take the jump on this ride that re-creates the experience of plunging off of a building (safety attached to a tethered harness, of course). It’s a jump made in total darkness, so you can’t see nothing at Round Here Land.
Other great reasons to visit Round Here Land on your next family vacation:
• At Round Here Land, nobody makes us wait…or you wait. We’re the only theme park in the Western hemisphere with a “No Lines Guaranteed” guarantee.
• At Round Here Land, we stay up very, very, very, very late—all summer long, we’re open until 1 a.m.
• Of course, many delectable refreshments are available at stands throughout Round Here Land. All sell our signature offering, delicious hamburgers made from Ground Deer, and to drink, Brown Beer.