Are you a Hispanic voter in a competitive district ahead of the 2018 midterms? Is your TV overrun by political ads featuring white candidates trying to speak Spanish? Does the half-assed pronunciation take you to a dark place?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, and are having trouble deciphering what is being said in those pesky 30-second spots, we've provided some handy translations below.
Candidate: “Hola amigos!”
Translation: Brace yourselves because I’m putting aside all the inhibitions I never had and I’m GOING FOR IT. Over the course of the next 30 seconds, I will be butchering your beautiful native language with the gory abandon of a horror movie clown with a freshly sharpened cleaver. This will make me more likable.
Candidate: “Somos todos americanos.”
Translation: All of us are American. But only some of us are racially profiled by law enforcement agencies with broad mandates to boost deportations. I guess that’s just the way the tortilla crumbles.
Candidate: “My abuelos were inmigrantes también.”
Translation: I have immigrant roots too. Ponder all that we have in common, and promise not to tell my English-speaking base.
Candidate: “I know what matters to you most: la inmigración y la economía”
Translation: I know what matters to you most: my Cinco de Mayo tweet and the fact that I’m rolling my “r”s with as much flair as an adolescent parrot that watched Univision for two hours.
Candidate: “Si se puede”
Translation: Yes we can … separate children from their asylum-seeking parents, subject them to long-lasting trauma, and miss numerous court-ordered deadlines to reunite family members.
Translation: Probably a profession of love for taco bowls?
Candidate: “La comunidad hispana es diversa”
Translation: The Hispanic community is diverse. Like, I know that there are criminal Mexicans, rapist Mexicans, drug-trafficking Mexicans, and then there’s Pitbull.
Candidate: “Cuento con tu voto”
Translation: I’d like to count on your vote. Just don’t count on hearing from me again during the next four years.
Candidate: (unintelligible #2)
Translation: (either the octogenarian candidate ambitiously tried to say a four-syllable Spanish word, or he just had a minor stroke-like episode on camera)
Candidate: “Apruebo este mensaje”
Translation: Fuck it. Next time I’m doing this in English with subtitles.