Take a shit Teddy, so I can go home and watch the Sox…

I’m still pretty good looking, right? A lot of guys my age certainly look worse; I must be in the top 15%. I mean, I’ve got good hair, nary a bald spot. But, Jesus, was that grey hair on my shoulder-back I saw this morning? Yes, yes it was. Plus, the hemorrhoid. Foul.

And that was not a pretty picture of your torso profile getting into the shower this morning; the gut, ugh. I’ve sort of cut down on bread, why the hell haven’t I lost more weight? Maybe stop smoking weed, it gives you the munchies.

Nah, that won’t happen.

Oh my god, that 25-year old dude jogging by is way taller and better looking than you, and definitely has better cardio. But back in the day, you would have taken his ass—golden glove centerfielder, all-conference defensive back, nasty left-to-right crossover…

Stop living in the glory days you idiot; that was 30 years ago. And you are 5’8” on a good day.

Was that woman at the bus stop just saying hello or did she think you were handsome? She must have been late-twenties, closer to your daughters’ age than yours, you sick fuck. She looked stressed, I hope she’s ok. Oh, now you are playing the concerned dad, nice try…

My life is good—particularly compared to people in, say, South Sudan—but do I need a major event to spice things up? Maybe I’ll save a kid from drowning by jumping from a bridge. Or save a baby in a burning car. Would be local hero, interviewed by the news…wait, no one under 70 watches the news… trend on Twitter.

You are embarrassing.

Your job is pretty good now, international travel; a lot of people would trade places. Except your way more successful college friends; some of them make 10 times what you do. Loser.

Well one of your college friends is dying from cancer, you solipsistic prick. Then there was that guy who was killed by a crowbar flying through the windshield. Would you have been quick enough to duck that? Doubtful.

Stop being so hard on yourself and enjoy the sun, you’re doing the best you can. And you are here.

Oh, great Teddy, a nice hot, wet shit for me to pick up.