1. That Person Yelling “EXCUSE ME!!”

Even though there is clearly a mass of 50 people slowly oozing out of the train, for some reason you still think this is all a conspiracy and that somehow you’re never going to get off.

Except wait, we are literally all getting off. Chill.

The only thing worse than this is yelling “excuse me” when there is a group of people trying to get ON the train. Extra points if the train is packed but you keep yelling, “Move in, there’s room! There’s still room!” until the doors shut in your face.

2. The “I Am So Into My Music” Guy

You know the one. Foot tapping, head bobbing violently, silently or not so silently mouthing the lyrics with the occasional emphatic hand movements sprinkled in. Wow. That song must be changing your life right now. And why is it always a rap song? I am inexplicably more annoyed by this person than by someone sitting motionless with audible music blaring from their headphones. Maybe it’s because I hate happiness. Who will ever know?

3. The Leg Spreader / Pole Hog (DOUBLE COMBO)

C’mon. You knew this was coming. Sorry you thought I was original. Everyone cracks down on these people, so all I’m going to say is I hate you. Yes, please lean your entire body against the pole. Of course you need two hands to play Candy Crush, what was I thinking? I’ll just fall into this little old lady the next time the train jerks because I have NOTHING to hold on to.

And there you are leg spreader dude, taking up double the space you should be and for what? I honestly don’t even know but what I do know is that I will never say anything to you because I do not want to be another subway slashing victim.

4. The Couple

Just stop. No giggling, no kissing, no sitting on each other’s laps. So what I’m not in a relationship right now. That is completely irrelevant to why I want to squeeze both your throats until you die. Okay??? Okay.

5. The Overly Social Dude

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that no one gets on the subway to make friends. And if you don’t agree then maybe instead of getting on the subway car, you need to step in front of it. KIDDING, of course. Or am I, you insufferable optimist. Bleurgh.

All talk of suicide aside, I do think it’s incredibly annoying when people try to talk to me on the subway. It’s usually someone who absolutely needs to comment on the book I’m reading. Reading is a solitary activity. It’s like the one activity that doesn’t scream, “I want to talk to you!!”

The only thing that makes conversing with a stranger on the subway okay is if you share something in common, like you’re both wearing the same L.L. Bean sweater, or if you’re both bonding by complaining about someone else, or the subway in general. It’s also okay to bond over how cute that baby is over there. It is also acceptable to hate on aforementioned baby if that suits you both more. I’m so open-minded I’ll allow any and all baby judgments.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.