After last year’s debacle, you're going to need to blow your friends away this Halloween with a costume that shows off your fun-loving personality while also assuring everyone at Mack’s party that you won’t accidentally set an antique table on fire with your “Human Torch” costume again.
1. Babe Ruth
An oldie but a goodie. You’ll be the life of the party when you show up as the Sultan of Swat.
This costume is incredibly comfortable and super cheap. You can even go the extra mile and impress your friends by learning some awesome Babe Ruth facts like, “He held the career home run record for almost 40 years” and “Babe Ruth never started a fire that got him on BuzzFeed’s ‘Top 7 Idiots of Halloween’ list.”
Probably do this costume without the bat this year. Your friends still haven’t forgotten how you burned the Burton’s priceless family tablecloth to the point where it looked like 10,000 stoned, demon moths had snacked on it.
2. Hermione Granger
Instant game changer here. If you do it right, you’ll immediately become the center of attention at any party with this little number.
When you walk through the door in a short skirt and a sweater vest, people are gonna think, “LOL, that guy is crushing it as Hermione!” and not, “Oh no, it’s that guy who lit Carter’s living room on fire then ran around for five minutes shouting, ‘Someone take the fall for me, I already have two strikes on my record!!’”
3. Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg
This outfit makes you look educated and politically active. Dressing up as Ruth Bader Ginsburg telegraphs that you’ve got a sense of humor and care about political issues.
Ginsburg is a beacon of ideology. She’s stood for many things in her day: women’s rights, immigration reform, and fire safety knowledge. Most importantly, she’s never stood for trying a pyrotechnic trick that the costume bag says, “Should only be attempted outdoors, 20 feet away from any structure,” right next to a table that held Carter’s Grandpa’s ashes.
(Bonus: This costume works great as 1/2 a couple’s costume where your lady friend goes as Sexy Anton Scalia’s Ghost.)
Just lean into it at this point. There’s no way you’re ever going to rebrand yourself. Your life in this social circle will always be defined by thirty seconds of panicked shrieking and fanning. That guy Mitch who had to be treated for smoke inhalation is definitely not gonna let you move on, so you may as well just embrace your life as the “fire boy” of the group. Dressing up as a fire fighter is the perfect way to show that you accept your new position.
5. Screw it, Human Torch
You know what, NO! You are not gonna let yourself be shamed into submission. It’s a cool costume and you spent a lot of money on it. This year you're gonna do it right. You’re not going to let Graham’s hot cousin make you nervous in the middle of your inferno routine, or try to put out a fire by splashing a bottle of Miller Lite Lime onto it.
And if your friends won’t accept the fact that you’ve changed, then they don’t deserve you.