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Fantasy: Emotionally, I am more stable than a 1000-year-old Sequoia. Reality: I faked a cat allergy when my wife caught me crying at Toy Story 3.
Me say in day, “Only small fire this night. No add ‘one more wood.’” But me keep stare and stare and no sleep.
What I actually look like: I walk slowly and calculatedly because these shades are darker than I remember from last summer.
First, remember what you named the file. “Invention idea: the wheel”? “Wheel stuff”? “Wheel deets”? Maybe just “wheel”?
For the fourth time this month you’re asking yourself: am I on a date with Hall-of-Famer Shaquille O’Neal wearing an elaborate disguise?
Can’t you see how clean my oven is? How filed my taxes are? How very walked my dog is? And yet, the thing is still not done.
Instead of scrutinizing the position of my butt, I would suggest admiring the lack of buttress in the position of my savings account.
By birth order or circumstantial trauma, you have been designated as the emotional backbone of the household.
Gamer Dogs: Dogs playing poker / Dogs cheating at poker / The puppies in the Puppy Bowl
Episode 2: After further inquiry we’ve learned that Quentin McCasey is part of an avid subculture of "Indoor Bird Watchers."
CAUTION: I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again. You’re probably thinking: “Why would a soft, soft teddy bear kill a baby?"
Oh lord, here comes my nemesis: the dessert menu! If I get a slice of the tres leches cake, you’ll all have a bite, right?