The Old Man Who Turned 98 that won the lottery and died the next day is almost completely decomposed. His sons inherited the winnings. They invested every penny into a chain of sports-themed “breastaurants,” which quickly went bankrupt.
Turns out The Black Fly In Your Chardonnay carried tuberculosis. You became very ill but recovered. While volunteering in a remote village, administering free vaccines, you were bitten by a mosquito and died of malaria. Isn’t it ironic?
The Death Row Inmate Pardoned Two Minutes Too Late’s family sued the state and settled out of court for an undisclosed amount. They donated most of it to a nonprofit that helped pioneer DNA forensics. Many years later DNA proved the Inmate was in fact guilty. The state is suing to recover the funds.
The couple that endured Rain On Their Wedding Day realized mid-Hawaiian-honeymoon that they never discussed having children. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything’s okay. While reclining on the beach, three Mai Tai’s deep, she announced that she never pictured herself as a mother. He called a lawyer the moment they returned home. They evenly divided cash and presents from the wedding. She used her share to start one of the internet’s first recipe blogs, which became the cornerstone of a lucrative cookbook empire. He lives with his mother and is a third-party re-seller for Amazon.com. Both are childless. And everything blows up in your face.
The person who got a Free Ride After They Already Paid was told by the cab company, “Sorry, this voucher isn’t redeemable.”
The Good Advice You Just Didn’t Take turned out to be investing in Netflix at $1.50 per share. You think about this regularly from your studio apartment in Toledo. Who would have thought, it figures.
Mr. Play It Safe, whose plane crashed after waiting his whole damn life to take that flight, incredibly, survived. After a long rehabilitation, Mr. Play It Safe regained the full use of many of his limbs. He is now a motivational speaker who travels the country sharing his story and promoting his book. He travels by bus.
The Man in a Traffic Jam Who Was Already Late missed the birth of his child. The relationship never recovered. His daughter now calls him “Greg” and her stepfather “Dad.”
The women — Barbara and Deb — who came upon a No Smoking Sign On Their Cigarette Break filed a grievance with their firm’s human resources department. They were given special permission to smoke on the roof. Barbara jumped headfirst, soon after, into entrepreneurship. She opened a vape shop offering free delivery to office buildings. She called it “Sky High.” Deb jumped to her death.
Unfortunately, the person who got 10,000 Spoons When All They Needed Was A Knife was also the person who Met The Man Of Their Dreams and then that man’s beautiful wife. It was a triple homicide. The detective who arrived first at the scene quickly became mentally unhinged as a result of the cartoonishly graphic 10,000 spoon-inflicted murders. He was committed to a mental rehabilitation facility where, tragically, he succumbed to starvation after insisting he eat his soup with a fork. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? A little too ironic, yeah, I really do think.
David Coulier owns two Papa Johns’.