Lenny Bruce: You sincerely, 100% believe a woman has never, ever faked it with you.

George Carlin: You hate “liberal snowflakes” but once threatened a barista who wrote “Dave” on your coffee cup instead of your name (David).

Richard Pryor: You believe you can explain the concept of intersectionality better than anyone else.

John Mulaney: Your favorite shows are The Office, Parks & Recreation, 30 Rock, and Arrested Development and your favorite sex position is missionary.

Mike Birbiglia: You think that because you have a dad bod, you’re a good guy.

Maria Bamford: “Oh yeah I think I’ve heard of her, but have you seen John Mulaney? He’s great.”

Jim Gaffigan: You high-five after sex.

Chris Rock: For some reason, you believe you’re the first person to discover Chris Rock’s comedy.

Hasan Minhaj: You don’t know the difference between “Xicano,” “Latin American,” and “Hispanic.”

David Cross: You’ve referred to your mother by her first name since you were 14.

Hannah Gadsby: “Who?”

Dave Chappelle: Not only do you believe you’re allowed to say the n-word, you also believe you’re somehow more woke for saying it.

Anthony Jeselnik: You once told a Holocaust joke (that you wrote) at an open mic, and were surprised when nobody laughed.

Bo Burnham: In anecdotes you refer to any female, regardless of her age, as “this girl.”

Chelsea Peretti: “The girl from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?”

Hannibal Buress: You learned what feminism is from Broad City, and you’re not 100% on board with it yet.

Demetri Martin: You order whisky neat on dates, even though you hate the taste.

Chris D’Elia: You do CrossFit, and post daily gym selfies with #beastmode.

Patton Oswalt: You constantly remind people that your alma mater is considered a “little Ivy.”

Sarah Silverman: You call yourself a “feminist” and/or a “nice Jewish boy” in your Tinder bio.

Louis C.K.: After dropping a slice of pizza on the ground, cheese-down, you will offer the pizza to the woman you’re with and tell her she’s wasting food when she doesn’t accept it.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.