1. Red

Your name is Carol Lyneth. You are 35 years old and live in Brooklyn, NY. You are a partner at an important law firm. Though you have a husband and two children, a boy and a girl, you have always yearned for something more. You’ve recently started talking to a former client named Bradley, and you think you may have found what’s been missing this entire time. He just has a sense of danger to him that you’ve never seen from Carl, and kids really weren’t your thing, but Carl convinced you and there’s always been a twinge of resentment because he made you settle down. And you’re a Scorpio.

2. Light Blue

You were born on November 17, 1994. You are 24 years old. You are male. If you were not gay before, you are now. No one knows it yet, even you, but a huge opportunity is coming your way, which I will specify for you. Your roommate just broke up with his girlfriend, who decided to get back at him by sleeping with his best friend. His best friend bought himself a celebratory cake from Carlo’s Bakery to honor the loss of his virginity. The tip left on the cake order is the last money that Sandra believes she needs to pursue her stand-up career. Sandra’s dad, in anticipation, will have to ask his boss for a promotion to support his daughter, a request that will be granted. Sandra’s dad is your boss, and you will receive his spot once it has been vacated.

3. Pink

You’ve just died. There is nothing left to do, and nothing left to become, but you will live on in the memories of all you touched. Oops, sorry, by the time you finish reading this sentence, everyone you touched will have died too, and you will have died your second death. I lament your fate.

4. Brown

Bless you! That was one huge sneeze!

5. Dark Blue

Tommy Wiseau is your brother and Michelle Obama is your sister. As you may know, this is physically impossible. Don’t worry, breathe in, breathe out. It’s okay. Your favorite color is not actually dark blue. No one’s favorite color is dark blue. Dark blue does not exist. It is a figment of the human imagination and has no foundation in reality. Your actual favorite color is Goldenrod Purple, the color of angel wings and devil hooves, both of which do exist. Also, God is dead.

6. Hot Pink

“Hey Gorgeous, keep it fancy.” His fingers trace the scars on your trembling cheeks. You hum with excitement as his lips ride the waves of time toward yours. The two of you embrace as if no one is watching, but you know too well everyone is. For years you let the public eye hold you back, but no more. Not now. Not today. With a startling amount of difficulty, you separate yourself from the arms of the Queen of the Horse-Bear Tribe. “Wake up, wake up,” he exclaims. And you do. You wake up from the coma-like stupor you entered upon reading the words “Hot Pink.” You are depressed at the lack of what never happened. You are excited by what could be.

7. Malachite

You are also a Scorpio.