Do you vow to work together to serve the lizard people from above in their struggle against the mole people from below?

When consummating your love, will you make it sound good for the government perverts listening through your phone?

Do you promise to never fake orgasms or moon landings?

If you see a hole in your partner’s tinfoil hat, will you mend it?

Will you love each other in sickness and in health, in secret government compounds and in alien abduction chambers?

Will you open your heart to your spouse’s family, friends, and cabals?

Will you fill the hollow earth with love?

Will you always give your love freely, unlike how the medical industry withholds a cure for cancer?

Do you promise to love your partner forever, even if they are replaced by a robot double who is therefore much better at sex?

Do you accept that there’s no “I” in marriage or Illuminati, despite what the spelling police would tell you?

Do you promise to never vaccinate your children, pets, or gimps?

When you have problems, like every married couple, will you work together to blame them on Hillary Clinton?

Finally, will you keep each other from falling off the flat earth?

(All vows written by Nostradamus after visiting Area 51 with Elvis and JFK in an altered timeline.)