Make me soup


Thumb war

Engage in an almost lyrical back-and-forth conversation about Laura Dern’s early work in Blue Velvet, noting its extreme qualities but necessary rise to canon

Slow dance

Toss the football

Reach the high shelf

Pillow fight

Set the table

Sew me a stitch-for-stitch reproduction of Dr. Ellie Sattler’s svelte denim look in the early scenes of Jurassic Park, accounting for the curvature of my ass, and the fact that I will need a little more stretch than the size 2 (at most) costume designed for Laura Dern

Spank me

Scratch my back

Eat me out

Play the flute

Walk to Laura Dern’s Hollywood Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame at 6270 Hollywood Boulevard; leave Ms. Dern’s favorite treat, fraises du bous with a little sugar, that you had shipped on dry ice ($300+) from the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc in Antibes, France

Defend my honor

Make a half-court shot


Practice Spanish

Roll fat joints

Change my tire


Be Laura Dern. Softly read me The Story of an Hour by Kate Chopin to lull me to sleep, but alternate to finish with something lighter, perhaps a Renata monologue from Big Little Lies that hit the cutting room floor. While I’m asleep, discard all my skin products containing parabens and ensure the shift dresses in my closet actually flatter me. As you leave, spray a little perfume in the air, so I get to dream of seeing you once more