Make me soup
Kiss
Thumb war
Engage in an almost lyrical back-and-forth conversation about Laura Dern’s early work in Blue Velvet, noting its extreme qualities but necessary rise to canon
Slow dance
Toss the football
Reach the high shelf
Pillow fight
Set the table
Sew me a stitch-for-stitch reproduction of Dr. Ellie Sattler’s svelte denim look in the early scenes of Jurassic Park, accounting for the curvature of my ass, and the fact that I will need a little more stretch than the size 2 (at most) costume designed for Laura Dern
Spank me
Scratch my back
Eat me out
Play the flute
Walk to Laura Dern’s Hollywood Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame at 6270 Hollywood Boulevard; leave Ms. Dern’s favorite treat, fraises du bous with a little sugar, that you had shipped on dry ice ($300+) from the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc in Antibes, France
Defend my honor
Make a half-court shot
Propose
Practice Spanish
Roll fat joints
Change my tire
Backflip
Be Laura Dern. Softly read me The Story of an Hour by Kate Chopin to lull me to sleep, but alternate to finish with something lighter, perhaps a Renata monologue from Big Little Lies that hit the cutting room floor. While I’m asleep, discard all my skin products containing parabens and ensure the shift dresses in my closet actually flatter me. As you leave, spray a little perfume in the air, so I get to dream of seeing you once more