1. A well-planned curriculum

2. Strong, intellectual bonds with peers

3. Positive male and female role models

4. Adequate outdoor space for exercise

5. 50,000 dollars

6. Disposable teachers who can be replaced just in case

7. Pencils

8. A solid career services department

9. Immense racial and gender diversity within the races and gender identities I’m comfortable with

10. Tax breaks

11. A little boy named Hunter or Tanner

12. A little girl named Bryghton or Brixley

13. Healthy snacks like seaweed or Trader Joe’s brand fruit leather

14. 15 copies of Oh the Places You’ll Go

15. Someone’s aunt to teach “Drama and Movement”

16. Barbed wire fence for the kids to decorate with signs about inclusion

17. Classmates who are rich enough not to be a burden but not as rich as your family

18. All of the gold

19. Familial connections to the consulting industry

20. A diversity director so we can say we have one (because that work is so important right now)

21. Lacrosse

22. Blood

23. Money

24. Blood money

25. Blood diamonds

26. Those muji pens

27. A diversified investment portfolio

28. Child actors to pretend to be dumber than your child

29. 100% renewable eco-powered Mercedes buses

30. A dozen beautiful 15-hand Arabian horses

31. The last Galapagos tortoise

32. An artist-in-residence

33. A consultant-in-residence

34. A custodial team with strong immune systems

35. One poor kid they can all learn to be nice to

36. One arch-rival/frenemy who is formidable but ultimately defeatable

37. Essential workers to applaud

38. A clique that eventually gets put in their place so they can learn about bullying

39. A big show for them to dramatically quit the basketball team for

40. A basketball team

41. A janitor who’s smarter than anyone realizes

42. A Miss Honey-esque figure to ultimately adopt the smartest one

43. The earliest, pre-FDA approved trial of the vaccine

44. Not all this whining about how we live our lives, that’s for sure

45. Crayons

And now a quick joke...

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.