Bungee Mustache – This was less of a bungee jump and more of a 260-foot free fall into a giant re-creation of Jim Croce’s mustache as your landing point. Nobody was fatally injured, but we had a few close calls with hairs being infused in parkgoers' organs from the sheer force of the fall.

Bad Bad Leroy Brown Bumper Cars – With a razor in his shoe, diamond ring on his hand, and a loaded gun in his pocket, our 6'4″ mascot would run around aimlessly shooting an actual gun. This apparently was a safety hazard.

Bad Bad Leroy Brown Bumper Boats – Same as above, but in water.

Northwestern State Express – This may not have been the most popular ride, but it certainly took the most amount of time. Riders were transported to Northwestern State University (the venue in which Croce played his final concert before his fatal plane crash) and enrolled in a music studies class for a semester, which they were forced to pass in order to leave. They would emerge with a newfound respect for Croce's lyricism/melodic structure, and also a not insignificant amount of student debt.

Time in a Bottle Twister – Apparently too many riders experienced unreasonable levels of centrifugal force while spinning along two separate axes causing them to unlock a portal that led directly into Jim Croce's home in 1972. Reports claimed that riders were trapped in Croce’s house and were forced to watch him practice scales for what felt like 10 minutes, but when they came back to the amusement park, 50 years passed. Time dilation a big no-no these days at amusement parks.

Workin' at the Car Wash Ride – This was just a way we got free labor by asking parkgoers to buff all the scratches out of the Bad Bad Leroy Brown Bumper Car they were using. We'd blast “Workin' at the Car Wash Blues” to drown out their complaints. They were encouraged to dance, but they were always too angry.

National Guard Ferris Wheel – Riders who expected to go on a scenic ferris wheel ride instead were enlisted in the National Guard and forced to serve active duty for at least four months, just like Croce. There wasn't even a ferris wheel, so I'm not sure why people who lined up weren't more suspicious. This ride wasn't one we're especially proud of, but when your theme park is partially funded by the military, you have to make a few compromises.

I’ll Have to Say I Love You in a Log Flume – We didn't know this until later, but it's illegal to stop the ride before the big log flume drop unless the riders say they love each other. Yes, we would leave people at the top of the log flume past midnight until they said it, but is that really a crime when it's for love? It is.

One Less Set of Footsteps Carousel – We thought this was a very clear warning that the carousel often spins out of control and to ride at your own risk, but apparently that wasn't clear and there were dozens fewer set of footprints after every ride ended. I'm not supposed to mention this, but we had to rebuild it one year because it spun so fast that it just vanished. There one second, gone the next. I think it left our dimension. Inter-dimensional travel a big no-no these days at amusement parks. I hope wherever the riders ended up, they're rockin' out with Jim.

Best Old Ex-Friend Ray Scrambler – This ride was heavily criticized because not only did it scramble you physically, but the emotional scrambling of having a park employee named Ray befriend you, ask your significant other out, and move with them to L.A. became a recurring problem.

You Don't Mess Around With Jim – This wasn’t really a ride as much a guy named Jim looking for a fight. People got hurt. It was a bad idea.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.