Date night has changed from dinner and a movie to finding dinner at the movies.


Our frequently used emojis now include people in motion, devil faces, and glasses of red wine (wink wink).


Our last text conversation:
BF: “How goes it?”
Me: “Girl running emoji, devil smiling, red wine” followed by “black heart, coffin, coffin, coffin.”
BF: “Starry-eyed face emoji, kiss face.”


I enjoy exercising now, especially since I can levitate over the treadmill while watching Hulu on my phone. If my BF asks, I tell him it’s supernatural cardio.


We’ve given up surprising each other. It became too difficult with our shared telepathy, clairvoyance, telekinesis, and astral projection. So we telepathically agreed to stop surprising each other.


We watch vampire movies more for tips than entertainment now.


My BF hasn’t renewed his driver’s license because he knows he won’t show up in the photo. He’s more of a cautious driver now, especially after feeding on the patrolman who told him his license was expired.


Our favorite candy used to be Gushers. Now we call the blood bags in our refrigerator Gushers.


We’ve reached that point in our relationship where we’ve started to dress alike. It’s hard to resist when formal opera capes go with every occasion.


Grocery shopping at Whole Foods consists of comparing which shopper has the least amount of carbs and the highest amount of healthy fats. We generally look for a victim with a basket full of avocados and White Claws.


When my girlfriends complain about their struggle shopping for their size, I remind them that my options are either a vintage shop or the Halloween section at Party City. So I have to choose between overpaying for something a stranger with outdated hygiene habits wore, or a dress that barely covers my three B’s (boobs, butt, and belly).


Our everyday oral hygiene hasn’t changed. Fangs or no fangs, charcoal toothpaste works wonders for whiter teeth (no matter how many surface stains our iron heavy diet creates).

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.